Servants who Never Should be Summoned
by OverMaster
Summary: The title says everything. What? What do you mean, I have to write more for the summary? Oh geez! What do you expect me to say here without spoiling everything? Just read the story, will you?
1. Chapter 1

_Fate Stay Night_ and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Type-Moon and Kinoko Nasu, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.

Similarly, all non-Fate characters mentioned here are the properties of their respective copyright holders.

Any non-parodic, non-totally safe similarity between the characters and events of these ministories and anyone or anything ever actually seen in real life is a pure coincidence. For real!

Read. Review. Please. PLEASE!

* * *

**SERVANTS WHO NEVER SHOULD BE SUMMONED- PART 1.**

* * *

**Assassin**.

Caster stood before the figure she had just summoned. The man dwarfed her in size, and he had hair all over the parts of his chalk white skin not covered by black leather. A gigantic collection of oversized weapons hung from his jacket and belt, and he had a rusty set of chains and a butcher's hook around his muscular right arm. His long black hair was as wild as they came, and his crimson eyes shone lecherously as he eyed her carefully, puffing madly on his also huge cigar, smoke flying eveywhere.

"Whoo-hoo! Hey there, Skirt. I'm Assassin, but call me a Servant an' I'll frag ya! So, yer the one who summoned me, huh?"

She tried to regain her composure. "Uh, yes. I am your Master, Servant Caster, and—"

"Hold it, Skirt. No one, no matter how hot, calls themselves the Main Man's Master! Contractor, fine, but Master, never in your fraggin' life! And anyway, shouldn't it be 'Mistress'?"

"You shall call me 'Master', " she said, attempting her best to show herself in control.

Assassin blinked, looking oddly puzzled. "Oh. Oh, I get it. Yer one of those cross dressin' weirdos, ain't ya, Clyde? That's why yer not showin' anymore leg. Gotta hand it to ya, that's a fraggin' good disguise. You even had me fooled for a—"

"I'm a woman!" Caster growled, patting herself on the chest.

"But I have to call ya a Master. Yanno, I didn't exactly ace grammar, but I think—"

"I'm a woman, and I'm your Master!"

Assassin looked at her for a moment, frowning deeply, before driving one hand into her crotch.

"Ohhhh. Yep, definitely woman, alright. But I'm still not callin' ya a—"

"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!"

Kuzuki returned home to find Caster standing over the charred remains of half of the temple, strangling a battered biker who had his hand on her crotch.

"..." Kuzuki said, his expression still the same.

"... I can explain!" Caster squeaked.

Assassin snorted. "Can I kill this dweeb for starters? I gotta the impression he's someone's Master..."

"HE'S MINE!"

"Tch, you could do better, babe..."

Caster began strangling him again.

—-

"Assassins are supposed to be stealthy and sneaky, " Caster lamented, burying her face into her hands. "And this brute couldn't be stealthy if his life depended on it! Ah! Why me? What have I done wro— Fine, so I have done a lot of wrong, but still, that is not an excuse for—- Huh?"

Since the sounds of untold carnage and the explosions had stopped, Caster risked looking between her eyes to see Assassin forcing the whole of Emiya Shirou up some part of Saber Caster had never thought could—- Oh, Gods, she was going to be **ill**...

On the other hand, maybe this Assassin wouldn't be such a complete bust.

—-

"How have ya called me, Clyde?" Assassin snorted, giving Gilgamesh a truly vicious glare.

He only smirked widely, with a fist on a hip. "Mongrel!"

Assassin looked at Caster. "What the frag does that mean?"

"It means he's calling you a filthy, lowly, motherf****ing, unruly, miserable dog. Not like I can fully disagree with him..." Caster said coldly.

"What the frag!" Assassin roared, looking back at Gilgamesh. "Why would ya call me a motherf****er, ya dweeb! Are you sayin' I have bad taste on women? Like hell I'd ever sleep with a hag as ugly as my old woman!"

Gilgamesh smiled in a way that could be called truly insane with glee. "Come forth, stupid beast! I'll kick you back to the scumhole you crawled from!"

Assassin pulled out two guns almost as big as himself, both labeled **REALLY HEAVY THERMONUCLEAR FRAG**. "You asked for it, Girly-Man!"

The ensuing sequence was just too graphic and explosive to portray it here.

—-

**I am unbound at last!** the tainted Grail said, hovering with such a blinding brightness Caster had to look aside, covering her eyes. **You fools! By 'winning', you have merely damned your world to an eternity of—**

"Hey, Cuppy, " Assassin greeted it casually. "Nice ta find ya at last. Not like I care an iota about what happens to this slimeball ya dweebs call a planet, but while in that Throne of Heroes brothel thing, and lemme tell ya that's the boringest whore house I've ever been at, some of the bitches hired me to repay ya on a few things they went thru..."

The Grail focused its attention on Assassin for a moment, then gasped. **Oh, no. It couldn't possibly be you! How comes, what is this I don't even—**

Assassin lit a cigar on the power the Grail was radiating, took two puffs, and aimed a particularly large, even for his standards, hand cannon on the (un)blessed cup. "Somethin' from the boys, man."

He pressed the trigger. For a few moments, Caster truly thought the world had stopped existing.

Perhaps she was right.

—-

"Well, with that, I take my leave of this mudball! 'Bout damn time, too!" Assassin said, hopping on the space bike he had built himself after pillaging through the remains of Shirou's workshop. "Gotta be some real jobs to pull out there..."

"Um, aren't you going back to—" Caster reluctantly asked.

"Where, the Throne of Heroes? HAW! Nah, it explicitly told me it didn't want me back, ever! Well, good luck, babe! Never let be said the Main Man left a customer unsatisfied!" And he took up towards space. "YEEE-HAAAAA! The night's still young, and I'm still not sated...!"

Kuzuki blinked, staring up, way up, at the bike becoming a speck in the night sky. He and Caster stood in the middle of the wreckage blanketed by ash that used to be Fuyuki City. "I wonder what had him killed in the first place..." he blandly mused.

"Forget that!" Caster giggled nervously, hugging his arm. "Now we can start thinking about the honeymoon, can't we?"

A bleeding head of one Matou Shinji popped out of the ruins. "... Medic?"

Caster kicked him back down.

* * *

**Berserker.**

Ilyasviel stood in blinking stupor before the Servant she had just brought upon the world. It was definitely female, with murderous bloodshot eyes, short brown hair, and a long wooden sword in her right hand. "Not even a real sword?" the albino child groaned. "What kind of miserable Saber is this—"

The woman took her head back and let out a furious cry of "GGGRRRROAAAARRR!"

That, coupled with her striped attire, made Ilya blink again, overcome by an idea. "Ah!" she said. "Just like a Tiger...!"

Growing suddenly even angrier, the Servant lunged ahead and sank her teeth on Ilya's head. "AHH! GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME, YOU!"

The elders of the Eizbern family, who had been watching upon them, looked at each other and shared sage dead glares.

"A Berserker, most definitely."

"Looks even harder to control than the average..."

—-

Shirou stared at the enemy Servant. "You know, I can't shake the feeling I have met this woman before..."

"GGGGRRRRRROOOOAAAAARRRRRR!" Berseker charged ahead, her bokken meeting Saber's sword.

"Incredible!" Saber gasped. "Such striking power behind such a feeble weapon...!"

"GGGGGGRRRROOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!"

"Hee hee heee!" Ilya giggled. "Onii-chan, your proud lion is no match for my devastating Tiger... OUCH! OUCH! LEMME GO ALREADY, BERSERKER! THEY'RE YOUR ENEMIES, NOT MEEEE!"

"... Reminds me of someone even more now, but who...?" Shirou tried to remember.

Saber watched how Berserker finished her angry biting of her Master's head by tossing her across the street like a ragdoll. "I miss the Fourth War already."

—-

"Come on, final Servant!" Gilgamesh challenged her. "Show me that power that vanquished every other Servant! Show me this miserable age still has something to offer me!"

Berserker tilted her head aside, puzzled. "Rowr?"

Gilgamesh gestured for her. "Hah! Is this the best this War could produce? Such a stupid female with so little fighting spirit? Come closer, wench! Make your death even faster!"

Berserker scratched her head. "Rrrrr?"

Gilgamesh frowned. "Are you mocking me, lowly creature? Mongrel! Decadent beast! Idiotic piece of living trash! Waste of flesh! You... you...!"

Shirou came close to him and whispered something into his ear.

Gilgamesh raised an eyebrow. "Tiger?"

Berserker's eyes flashed madly. **"ROAR!"**

—-

And so, with the Fifth War finished and the tainted Grail destroyed after a poor choice of words on its part, Counter Guardian FUJIMURA walked into the light, to the Great Unknown. Nothing is known of what became of her after that, but her heroic deeds will always be remembered, for such is the ferocious and courageous legacy of the Tiger of Fuyuki, who OH GOD, GOD, SORRY, I'M SO SORRY, I WON'T EVER CALL YOU THAT AGAIN!

* * *

**Caster.**

"Um, yeh, well, " Ryuunosuke scratched his head, staring oddly at the tiny man in the suit and bowler suit floating before him. "I don't understand it too well, but if you help me kill lots and lots of people, I will help you with that Grail thing, okay?" He pointed to the last living child in the room, who was tied to a chair, sobbing and crying. "Hey, what if you start with that brat over there?"

Caster looked, aghast, at the tiny boy, then back at Ryuunosuke. "You must be joking..."

Ryuunosuke frowned. "Look around you, man. Does it look like I've been joking here so far?"

Caster took his first actual good long look at the horrors of the room around him, and let out a high pitched, cartoony girly shriek. "AAAAAIIIIIIEEEEE! No, no, no, I'm not going with this! I'm in Mischievous Trickster mode, not in Cosmic Horror mode! What do you think this is, _Whatever Happened to The Man of Tomorrow?_"

"What?" Ryuunosuke asked.

With a snap of his fingers, Caster turned him into a potted plant, then summoned a goat and gently pushed it towards the plant. "Bon appetite." He turned back around and sighed. Giving the readers a side glance, he warned, "You tell anyone I did a good deed, and you die, hear me?"

Then he snapped his fingers again, and all the slaughtered children across the room revived, coming back together from their pieces in a flash, and blinking and stumbling around cluelessly. Caster looked at the child in the chair and rubbed his own chin. "Hmmmm. I guess you'll do as my new Master." With a wave of a hand, he made the Command Seals appear on the boy's hand. "What's your name, kiddo?"

The boy hiccupped. "N-N-Nobita... Nobi Nobita..."

Caster gave the writer another, harsher look. "Cute, OM. Very cute! What do I look like, a blue robot cat from the future?"

"Huh?" Nobita babbled.

"Nothing! Forget it! Now let's just go, Master! We've got a Grail War to win! With my ultra-super-duper-extra-hyper awesome phenomenal cosmic 5D powers, it should be a cakewalk...!"

—-

"— KLTPZXYM, KLTPZXYM, KLTPZXYM!" he said, fists at his sides, face red with anger. "See? SEE?-! I could say it, you witless human! Of course I— Oh, poo, " he gritted his teeth as he vanished with a loud 'POP!'. "YOU'LL REGRET THIS, KIRITSUGU EMIYA!"

Saber was blinking. "How... How could you even know that would..."

Emiya sighed. "I'm the Goddamn Magus Killer, " he said, although with no emotion at all on his voice. He looked at Nobita. "You can go home now, boy."

Nobita blinked as well. "Can I...? I'm going home!-! HOORAY!" he cried out, gleefully running for the street, where he was promptly ran over by a truck.

With another weary sigh, Kiritsugu looked at Saber. "Now, Saber, destroy the Holy Grail. Quickly!"

"Eh?-!" the Servant gasped. "But, but that is—!"

Another imp, this one wearing a Batman costume, popped into existence next to her. "Yes, Saber, you must! Otherwise, we'll never have Fate/stay night! Or Hollow Ataraxia! The infamous H-scenes with awkward seafood metaphors! Your threesome with Shirou and Rin! The hilarious 'die when you're killed' meme! The Sader Chinese figurines! Shadow Crystal Mage's Holy Grail of 2814! The Artist and the Faker! I Put on my Robe and Wizard Hat! Fate Stay Away! More than half of Carnival Phantasm! Berser-car! The millionth subplot of Unequally Rational and Emot—"

At the mention of the latest item in the list, Saber growled and slammed her sword on the mite's head. "NO! NOT THAT MINDLESS DRIVEL! NEVER!"

* * *

**Saber.**

Her crow demon blood, diluted as it was, had allowed Sakurazaki Setsuna live far longer than she had expected. Far longer than her Ojou-sama, as a matter of fact, but somehow, she managed to cope and go on with her life. She still looked no older than fifty by her eighties, when she joined the Negi Springfield Memorial Association, after the fall of the Clock Tower.

Her first mission there, which she got because of her huge prestige, was investigating the new and technically impossible new Grail War brewing at Fuyuki. There, predictably enough, the technically impossible happened. But Setsuna could never imagine the kind of impossible it would be.

Now, as the three Command Seals burned on the back of her hand, she watched, wide eyed, at the figure rising before her. A ghost from a past she had never expected to return.

The same frilly dress. The same glasses. The same saintly, sweet smile. The same bright eyes.

"I am Servant Saber! I ask of you, are you my..."

And then, much to Setsuna's ever growing horror...

"AHHHHH! IT'S _YOU_!-!"

It had been a truly orgasmic scream of raw delight.

From that night the end of her life, Setsuna never could explain herself why her first and only Command Spell hadn't been "Kill yourself now!"

It would have been the sane thing to do, after all...

* * *

**Berserker**.

"Ah ha ha ha!" Amagasaki Chigusa, well, laughed. Duh. "Behold my Servant, Berserker! Tremble before him, the revived Ryomen Suku—"

(SQUISH!)

"Huh, maybe that wasn't such a good idea," one of the minor demons commented.

"Yeah. Shoulda tried to summon him the old fashioned way, " another minor demon said.

The first demon scratched his butt. "Say, wanna take a night tour of Kyoto before we go?"

* * *

**Saber.**

"I am Servant Saber, " the short girl with the unruly black hair in twin long braids told Tokiha Mai, very seriously, standing over her, with a truly gigantic sword resting in a hand. Mai calculated it had to be bigger than the girl herself, and probably bigger than Mai as well. But it was difficult saying for sure, what with the angle and the panic gripping her heart and all that. "Are you my Master...?"

"Ah..." Mai said, very eloquently. "If I'm your Master, you won't cut me down, right?"

"Right," the girl nodded only once.

"Right! Then yes, I'm your Master!" Mai clapped her hands and laughed very nervously. "W-What a lucky girl I am! I mean, we both are! Now... could you please point that thing another way?"

"Yes," the girl said, pointing the giant of a blade away from Mai. Then she fell to her knees before her, as if to worship her, with her forehead touching the dusty floor. "Please take good care of Saber, Master-sama."

"Oh, sheesh..." Mai sighed to herself. Explaining this to Takumi was going to be a real bitch.

* * *

**Rider**.

"Hello! It's a-me, Servant Rider!" the short and portly Italian man in overalls greeted him happily, beaming a white-toothed smile under his thick black mustache. "Are you-a my Master-a?"

Sonic the Hedgehog blinked at the strange creature, then looked sideways with a highly annoyed expression. "Oh, yeah, I get it! Very, very funny!"

—

Gilgamesh sighed as he saw Rider summoning his steed. Honestly, in his time, men rode real dragons with terrifying wide wings and flame breathing jaws armed with lines and lines of fangs. What kind of ridiculous reptile was this foolish mongrel—

Then he got an egg on the face.

* * *

**Berserker**.

"TA-TA-TA-TA-TAA!" Ilya's Servant barked loud and bestially, foaming off the mouth and charging ahead. "PUPPY POWER...!"

After a blink or two, Saber stopped him with a foot, and not even bothering to use her sword at all, she kicked him over the horizon line.

Ilya sobbed angrily. "I knew we should have gone after Lancer first!"

* * *

**Avenger**.

As Bazett lied in the darkness gasping for air, she saw a new figure standing before her. He obviously was not Kirei or Lancer. But he was definitely male, even if... rather pink.

He smiled down at her. "Hey, you. Do you want to live?" he asked.

"Ahhh..." Bazett coughed, trying to push herself up on her elbows. For some reason, it was working. She felt herself slightly stronger now, impulsed by a renewed drive to continue. "Yes..."

"Then rejoice!" the man said, voice full of boister. "I'm Servant Avenger, and I'll single handledy win this Grail War for you!"

A Servant. She barely could believe it. Through her mere will to live, she had pulled off the miracle of summoning another Servant. She still had hope. She still could win, and most importantly, keep existing...

The man was easier to see now. He looked oddly similar to that Steven Seagal actor from cinema, with a wide confident grin, and was barefoot, wearing a pink gi with a black belt. He struck a highly ridiculous pose and yelled, with a laughable tone that was incredibly pompous, "Driven by my revenge! Fated to win by my awesomeness! Servant Avenger is here! With you, my Master, at my side, and the power of the SAIKYOOOOOOOO GROOVE!"

Bazett's will to live plummeted back down.

* * *

**Archer**.

"NOBLE PHANTASM!" Archer shouted. "TIRO FINALE!"

"What—!" Ilya cried out before the awe-inspiring lineup of infinite muskets covered the sky above and opened fire, culminating with the blond, busty Servant finishing the attack with a single gigantic shot from an oversized gun. "AHHHH—!" Ilya cried as she was tossed back, far away from the roaring Berserker.

"We... We did it!" Rin cried as the area was covered by thick smoke, and Berserker's roars died down. "Good job, Archer!"

Her Servant smiled beatifically and fixed the princess curls around her head. "Thank you, Master. I'm glad to have lived to your expecta— Oh. No."

The smoke was dissipating now, and in the middle of the wreckage, Berserker still stood, eyes glowing red.

"Yaaaaayyy Berserker..." Ilya groggily cheered, her eyes made spirals as she lied on her back.

The giant, with another fierce growl, lunged ahead and grabbed Archer before she could escape, holding her steady as he opened his jaws above her, as far as they could go.

Archer blinked for a moment, and then groaned, "Why does it always end this way?"

And the giant chomped her head off.

* * *

**Berserker**.

"And this is the catalyst?" Kariya asked dubiously, looking at the small vial full of thick, dark blood at the middle of the room.

Zouken smirked maliciously. "Yes. It's the blood of the greatest hero of history, the most powerful defender mankind has known. Picked from the scene of his final battle against his deadliest adversary. He he he heh!" he laughed evilly, no doubt delighted by the idea of corrupting such a champion for his own goals. "With him at our side, we cannot lose, Kariya!"

Swallowing his disgust back, Kariya began the summoning ritual.

When it was done, he stood, not before the man they had expected to see, but before a gray giant with skin that seemed to be made of craggy stone. His wild hair was white, and there were bony, sharp protusions all over his muscled body, especially the shoulders and face. And odd as his appearance was, the most confusing thing about it was, in Kariya's horrified opinion, the tight shorts and thick boots he was wearing. Since such savage possibly couldn't have put on those clothes himself, who had ever done it for him? A question most likely better never answered.

The brute raised his fists and roared madly. "RRRAAARRRGHH! METHRRPLSSSH! SSSP-RRRMANNNNN!"

Faintly, Kariya looked back at Zouken. "They-They picked the wrong samples of blodd from the site!"

After a moment of contemplation, Zouken shrugged. "Eh. He'll do."

* * *

**Ruler**.

After carefully studying the Servants and Masters involved in the War he was supposed to overview, he reached a conclusion.

_"Noble Phantasm! World Coverage!"_' he called out.

All across the world, TV screens began showing his face, and his speech.

_"In the normal course of events, Rulers come to this Chamber to report on the state of the Holy Grail War. Tonight, no such report is needed. It has already been delivered by the American people..."_

It went on.

_"Our war on terror begins with the Yggdmillennia, but it does not end there. It will not end until every Magus terror group of global reach has been found, stopped, and defeated..."_

And on.

_"Fellow citizens, we'll meet violence with patient justice, assured of the rightness of our cause and confident of the victories to come. In all that lies before us, may The Root grant us wisdom, and may It watch over the United States of America."__"Thank you."_

Then he summoned his second Noble Phantasm. _"WAR ON TERROR!"_

Hundreds and hundreds of war airplanes armed to the brim began appearing in the skies over Turifas, Transylvania. The gathered Masters and Servants began looking up in disbelief.

"My word!" Black Lancer said.

"..." Black Berserker said.

"Daddy!" Red Saber eeped as the bombs began raining down...

_"And so, after yesterday's unexplained and complete devastation of a whole county of the Transylvanian region, the government of Romania demands explanations from the United States of America. Tensions are reaching an all new high point at the United Nations, and the stakes keep rising while hostilities and distrust on a very high rise, all negotiations so far failing to explain or provide an agreement between the concerned nations on the world on this subject. Protesters around the UN building demand for a solution, already fearing for a Third World War on the making.."_

* * *

**Berserker**.

Ilyasviel coughed the dust in her mouth and pushed some debris off her small but surprisingly resistant body. She groaned, rubbing her aching head. Apparently, something had gone wrong during the summoning. Instead of getting Heracles, she got... something bigger. Far bigger. So big, as a matter of fact, its mere presence there was enough to shatter the Einzbern castle from the inside.

But what, or who—

The all encompassing roar from above caught Ilya's attention, and she looked up, way up, and her heart soared. There it was, the beast born from the heat of radiation in the distant fifties. The legendary and feared scourge of Japan. The King of Monsters.

And it was hers now.

Ilya placed her small fists under her chin and cooed a single delighted word.

"Awesome...!"

**Alternate Ending**:

Then it stepped on her.

* * *

**Caster**.

"Dude," Ryuunosuke finally said. "You have a fishbowl on your head."

The newcomer shot him an annoyed glare, or at least, his posture and body language conveyed that despite the fact you couldn't see his face. "It's a helmet. Say it's a fishbowl ever again and I'll kill you, whether you are my Master or not. On that subject, I suppose I should ask, just to meet the formalities of this act, are you my Master?"

"Ah?" Ryuunosuke blinked. "I don't know... Yeah, I guess so, since I summoned you. You're a demon from Hell, aren't you?"

There was a dry and humorless chuckle from behind the fishbowl, as the stranger twirled his long cape. "I can be one, if you want me to." And his appearance suddenly changed to that of a towering, slobbering red beast with horns.

"Cool!" Ryuunosuke said. "Then you can help me kill as many people as I want, hell, everyone in this city if I wished so?"

The man dropped the illusion, deeply amused by how easily he had fooled the dim witted foreigner. "Is that your wish for the Holy Grail? I suppose it's rather petty, and you don't really need the Grail for that. I may not be as blood thirsty as others in my line of job, either of them, actually, but I certainly have enough talent to arrange for the destruction of a city, given enough time..."

"Way cool!" Ryuunosuke rubbed his hands. "I like you already, man! So what's your name?"

"You can call me Servant Caster."

"Oh, c'mon. That can't be your real name. No demon from the pit would call himself that!"

"Oh, Master. My birth name, or any other name I may have been given at any point, holds no interest for you. Besides, it's better if our relationship, like those of all good screen duos, has some **mysterious** element to it, wouldn't you agree?"

* * *

**NEXT**: Don Quixote! Black Mage! The Wolfman! And more!


	2. Chapter 2

_Fate Stay Night_ and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Type-Moon and Kinoko Nasu, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.

Similarly, all non-Fate characters mentioned here are the properties of their respective copyright holders.

Any non-parodic, non-totally safe similarity between the characters and events of these ministories and anyone or anything ever actually seen in real life is a pure coincidence. For real!

No, I don't hate Nobita. But he makes for a good Butt Monkey.

This chapter, a lot of good fellas from the TV Tropes boards showed interest on writing more of these snippets, so rejoice! At the end of this chapter, you'll get to read a lot of material from people who are far better writers than me!

Read. Review. Please. PLEASE!

* * *

The first chapter's Servants:

Assassin- Lobo (DC Comics).

Berserker- Fujimura Taiga (Fate Stay Night).

Caster- Mr. Myxzptlk (Superman).

Saber- Tsukuyomi (Mahou Sensei Negima).

Berserker- Ryomen Sukuna no Kami (Mahou Sensei Negima).

Saber- Minagi Mikoto (Mai HiME).

Rider- Mario (Super Mario Bros.)

Berserker- Scrappy Doo (Scooby Doo).

Avenger- Hibiki Dan (Street Fighter).

Archer- Tomoe Mami (Madoka Magica).

Berserker- Doomsday (The Death of Superman).

Ruler- The Former President of 'A' Country. :P

Berserker- Godzilla (Godzilla).

Caster- Mysterio (Spider-Man).

* * *

**SERVANTS WHO NEVER SHOULD BE SUMMONED- PART 2.**

* * *

**Saber**.

In the end, everything worked out wonderfully, much to Shirou's relief. Saber would stay alive, with them, as Rin's familiar. Of course, to properly supply her with prana, Rin's would need daily... nocturnal assistance, so she moved in with Shirou and Saber. And they lived happily ever after, once Saber finally left the trauma of her past life behind.

Although she at times still called Shirou 'Negi' and Rin 'Kono-chan' during recharges.

* * *

**Berserker**.

"Behold!" Ilya cried triumphally, as her Servant materialized besides her. "My Servant, Berserker!"

Saber's defensive stand grew even tenser, her eyes narrowing as she looked carefully at the young man. He did the same.

Shirou, however, was puzzled. "Is that a Berserker? I was expecting for something a bit more... savage?"

He didn't look that much older than Shirou himself, actually, making Emiya wonder if he had died young or was another one of those long lived eternally young types. He was lean and vital, and while he was far from being scrawny, he didn't match the image of a hulking brute Shirou thought of when he heard the word 'Berserker'. Truth be told, while he stood in a very manly way, there was something about him that seemed girl to Shirou. Maybe it was that braid.

"Zip your lip up, " the young man grumbled at Shirou. He looked carefully at the blond girl before him, who was giving him odd, uncomfortable tomboy vibes. Why did it always have to be angry tomboys? He'd rather be fighting something nice and likable like, perhaps an unbeatable demigod. "I'm a Berserker, got a problem with that? Do you think I'd go around boasting about being in a class not my own?"

Well, he was rude, but not Berserker enough in Shirou's opinion.

Ilya humphed angrily, her cheeks puffing up. "Of course he's a Berserker! And I'll prove it, Oniichan! MAAAAAD ENHANCEMEEEEENT...!" she said...

... pulling a kitten out of her handbag and tossing it at Berserker's face. As if Berserker's face was a magnet for cats, the animal clutched to it and didn't let go.

"AHHHH! CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT! CAT!-!-!" Berserker cried, flailing his arms around...

... right before suddenly dropping on all fours and hissing bestially. It was a voice devoid of any human traces now.

Then he jumped on the confused Saber.

Things only went downhill from there.

* * *

**Magical Girl**.

"Hee hee hee hee!" Ilya giggled as the smoke from the summon slowly went down. "At last! I have summoned the mighty Servant with the msot compatibility with me! With this, not only I'll get the Holy Grail, but I'll give Shirou Oniichan a double dose of-"

Then her words were left hanging as the smoke dissipated, and she was looking at a face identical to her own. Attached to a body like her own, but wearing a fancy pink and white dress with a dangerously short skirt. And holding a pink staff with wings in a hand.

The other albino broke the silence. "So, um, I suppose you are my Master?"

**Magical Girl**.

"Hee hee hee hee!" Ilya giggled as the smoke from the summon slowly went down. An annoyed Magical Girl sat behind her. "Never mind! I have enough prana to keep even two Servants!The first attempt was a dud, but this time I'll finally summon the Servant of my dreams! Ah, here it comes! It's... It's..."

As the smoke vanished, another girl, this one with dark hair and wearing a species of purple and black unitard with tall boots, stood before them. She held a staff similar to Magical Girl's, but blue.

"Ah!" Magical Girl brightened. "Miyu-chan!"

The second Magical Girl blinked, looked at her, then looked at the open mouthed Ilya, and then her nose leaked blood.

**Magical Girl**.

"Hee hee hee hee!" Ilya giggled as the smoke from the summon slowly went down, although the giggle was very forced and stiff down, and her eyebrows twitched insanely. "Third time's the charm! I have so, so much prana, even now I can keep THREE Servants! And I'm sure this time I got the best, most powerful, most favorable to my inclinations and goals Servant ever, my true twin soul, my soulmate, my... my..."

As the smoke disappeared, Ilya found herself facing another exact copy of her, but this one had dark skin, sharper and brighter eyes, and a lewd, unnerving smile on her face. Her outfit was even skimpier than the two others'.

Magical Girl and Magical Girl facepalmed.

The third Magical Girl looked around at all of them, savoring the sights with perverse glee, before licking her lips up and down, slow and sensually.

"Why, hello. I am Servant Magical Girl at your complete beck and call... _Master_..." she purred.

Ilya's head hung down. "I give up. Let's just go to Japan already. I'm sure we'll kill Oniichan one way or another."

Three protesting yells of "EEEEEEHHHHH!" ensued.

* * *

**Caster.**

Kuzuki was finding this young woman to be particularly strange.

Found alone in the rain, nearly dying and asking him to make a contract of sorts with her. Then telling him an elaborate, complicated story on being a 'Servant' for a 'Holy Grail War' and explaining a long set of related rules even though it was clear, as she spoke, she wasn't placing too much stock on those rules herself. Her tone was that of a skeptic, of that there was no doubt.

But then the other Servants started showing up around the temple, looking to kill them. Or claiming to want for a truce of sorts in this War he apparently had gotten himself involved into. Since two of those claiming they wanted to talk were his students Emiya and (although reluctantly) Tohsaka, he had been tempted to agree, but Caster had stopped him from doing so.

Then the problems had really started.

When the Servants started coming after them in full force, Caster proved her resourcefulness at keeping them back, at the very least. For someone calling herself a Caster, she showed no magic skills, and claimed having none, but even so, she had a high skill for developing plans and traps to stop and stall their enemies, and to gather information on them. Kuzuki had helped her with his assassin skills, noting it was slightly strange how he, good as he was, could even put dents on such mythical warriors. Along the way, he once asked Caster who had taught her how to make a whole temple an unescapable masive trap. She only shrugged and said she had picked up from an old friend.

Even so, eventually it wasn't enough. Surrounded from all sides, and with a new, fearsome enemy in golden armor showing up out of nowhere and more than willing to kill them, Caster had to play her ultimate card.

_"Reality Marble! End of the Mystery!"_

Then, for some reason, police cars had arrived, encircling the temple. "Crap, we've been found out! I told you guys this was a bad idea!" Emiya said, already dropping to his knees and putting his hands behind his neck.

Kuzuki stared with a neutrally shocked, flatly impressed, expression as the police began handcuffing the other Masters and Servants one by one.

Caster smiled at him, rearranging her glasses on her freckled face. "It's simple, Kuzuki-sensei. This 'Grail War' has been an elaborate ruse to wrestle the Ryuudouji Temple away from you. You'll see, the real reason for the Fuyuki Fires of ten years ago was there are large amounts of oil, gas and other valuable resources under Fuyuki, but they all are highly unstable and dangerous, except for those located under the temple. The influential Einzbern, Tohsaka and Matou families all wanted your temple, as well as the Fujimura Yakuza, but they knew you weren't the easily scared type, so they resorted to this complex hoax to try and scare you away."

"... Well, " Kuzuki said, unblinking at the outrageously bogus story. "However, as for all those spells and magical attacks..."

"State of the art holograms and special effects, " Caster said.

Kuzuki looked questioningly at where Berserker was being held by several police agents. "What about that monster? There's no way he can be human."

"Of course he is..." Caster walked over to Berserker to pull his face away, revealing the angry face of Fujimura Taiga under it. "... or should I say 'she'? As your colleague, and heiress of the Fujimura Gang, Tiger-sensei knew enough about you to coordinate this whole attack. She's been the mastermind behind this the whole time!"

"Yes! Yes, it was me!" Taiga roared. "And I'd have gotten away with it if not for you, Kuzuki, and your meddling Servant! AND DON'T CALL ME TIGER...!"

Caster smiled kindly at him.

"..." Kuzuki said before asking, just as emotionless as before, "And you...?"

"Oh, jinkies, no, I just happened to... be passing around, and... I played along. Yes. That's it. There's no more to it. After all, " she half-sighed for a moment, "There's no way things like magic can be real, is there?"

She bowed for him and began walking away, looking slightly melancholic as she disappeared into the night.

The last thing he heard from her was a whisper to herself, "It just doesn't end the same without the dog making a lame wisecrack..."

* * *

**Avenger**.

"When do you want to die?" the new presence in the room asked Bazett. "Right now? Tomorrow? The day after tomorrow?"

Bazett wheezed, gasping for air as best as she could. "What? I don't— I don't understand, I can't think—"

The woman's voice was cold, unforgiving. "I am Servant Avenger. And I'm willing to accept you as my Master. But only if you want to live, even if only for killing in revenge. Who did this to you?"

"A man... named Kirei... I trusted him..."

"It's always a man you trust, " the tall, Caucasian woman with long light hair said. Her eyes were jaded and dead, and her slim body was clad in a dirty yellow jumpsuit. There was a sharp Hattori Hanzo blade in her right hand. "Do you accept this contract with me?"

Bazett still couldn't understand all that well why that was happening, or exactly what it was compared to her summon of Lancer, but the word still came to her lips by itself. "Yes..."

The Avenger took her by a hand, helping her to stand back. "Then don't waste any time. This is a chance from your God, the way I see it. When fortune smiles on something as violent and ugly as revenge, it seems proof like no other, that not only does God exist, you're doing His will."

And she gave Bazett something vaguely similar to a smile.

"It's time to Kill Kirei."

* * *

**Caster**.

Surrounded by Saber, Shirou, Archer, Rin, and the Mysterious Newly Arrived Golden Servant Boss after 100 chapters of the Templus Magicus arc, Caster played his final card.

_"Reality Marble! Kodansha and Fandom-Screwing Abrupt Ending!"_ the thin, frail looking obviously Japanese man with dark hair and glasses shouted.

"What... What is this? Shirou! Look out—!" Saber yelled as the Marble engulfed the whole area of the Temple...

When the world around them had returned to a semblance of normality, the Mysterious Golden Servant Boss was defeated and twitching on the ground. "D-D-Defeated... and offscreen?-! And I couldn't even explain who I was... What manner of sorcery is thiiiiiiii—" he gurgled before disappearing.

Saber looked down at herself. "Ah! In the span of this lost time, I have become a cute waitress with fake cat ears and a tail who can't fight anymore without jobbing!"

Rin also looked down at herself. "I've become... a flight assistant. Huh, so that was my real dream all along. Who woulda thought it... certainly not me..."

Caster laughed, taking a gulp from his liquor bottle. "Ha ha! My Sudden Cancellation Reality Marble uses a Time Skip to cut your active fighting lives to unsatisfying absurd ends that nonetheless play as cheerful and happy! Huh, but where's Emiya-kun? He seems to have disappeared altogether... Well, the Marble does that at times, like it did to Anya, and the Fatettes, and the Gravekeeper, and—"

Archer just chuckled, completely unaffected. "Hm hm hm hm! Well played, but it won't work with me! I already am the result of an unshown, vague and nebulous Time Skip!-!"

"Curses!" Caster said as Archer charged to him. "Ah well, who cares. I'd prefer being an editor than a Servant anyway..."

_The following scene was edited out to avoid even further accusations of Real Person Bashing_.

* * *

**Berserker.**

"Damn it!" Archer growled as he examined his broken arm, while the living roaring whirlwind of a Servant tossed Saber and Shirou around and Ilyasviel laughed his albino ass off. "Rin, what kind of creature is that Berserker? I have a hunch I should know him from somewhere, but I just can't..."

"Same thing here," Rin said, furiously flipping through a book on general Ancient and Modern Mythology and Remarkable Legendary, Mythological and Fictional Figures. Second Edition. "Also, I don't know why, but I keep having this nagging feeling we should have watched more TV when we were... Ah! Here it is! Let's see, voracious savage from the island of... Jaws like a trap of steel, boundless stamina, monstrous appetite... Eats Sabers, Avengers, other Berserkers, Riders, Magical Girls, Beasts, Saviors, Matous, True Apostols, Neco Arcs, Casters, bunny rabbits, ducks, witches, Puella Magi, Incubators, Green Lanterns, Assassins, Lancers, Church Executors, killers for hire, Sailor Senshi, crocodiles, alligators, Democrats, Republicans, Ishiharas, mangaka, editors, animators, voice actors, road runners, coyotes, turtles, tortoises, ninja turtles, vampires, Darkstalkers, warthogs and meerkats, lions, tigers, bears, oh my, Edelfedts, well it can't be so bad, Yuri fans, Yaoi fans, Het fans, Segata Sanshiro, cowboys, space aliens, samurai, ninja, pirates, robots, zombies, ghosts, Ninja Pirate Zombie Robots, Monsters, Temptresses, giant mecha pilots, giant mecha, Twilight fans, cats, dogs, catdogs, penis worms..."

Archer forced a half-smile. "Well, at least he doesn't eat Tohsakas and Archers."

"Excuse me, Oniichan, Oneesan, " Ilya walked up behind them and flipped the page, pointing at where it read in huge letters **AND ESPECIALLY TOHSAKAS AND ARCHERS!** "See?"

"Well, shit, " Archer said as Berserker turned his attention to them.

"RAZZA RAZZA BLRARGH BLRRARGHH RARRRGGHH ARGH ROARRA RADDA RADDA WAZZA!" he waved his arms over his head before spinning at breakneck speed towards Archer.

The tanned Servant readied his blades as best as he could. "I knew I should have taken that left turn at the Moon Cell!"

* * *

**Beast**.

"Are you my Servant, the Beast of Revelation?" she asked him, with a beautiful, melodic voice like that of an angel. "The prophesized Great Evil foretold to end the world, bringing upon a perfect age of eternal darkness?"

"Yeah, that'd be me, " the Servant said gruffly. He was so much taller than the petite and waif-like girl he towered over. His skin was bright red, and he had a long tail. He wore black pants and a long brown coat, under which he was shirtless, hard pectorals on display. Two sawed off stubs of what once had been horns protruded from his forehead. His right hand was quite bigger than the left one, and seemed to be made of thick rock. There were several gun holders around his waist. "Who wants to know?"

"I am your Master, Sajyou Manaka, " she smiled kindly at him. "I summoned you so you could help me fulfill my dream."

She told him everything about her life, and he listened with silent attention, not missing a word. He didn't flinch when she mentioned with great detail killing her own father, or planning to destroy mankind, or planning for her sister's demise, or being once betrayed and killed by her horrified Servant, the Saber, or being revived by the unholy power of the cursed Grail.

When she finished her story and smiled again at him, waiting for his praise and approval, he only said, "Well. History repeats itself, doesn't it?"

And faster than she could react, he drew and shot her through the head.

He wasn't that shocked when she didn't die immediately. "Sorry, " he said, not sounding actually regretful at all. "But I washed my hands off that whole Beast of Apocalypse nonsense gig long ago. Tough luck."

For a moment, her lips moved as if giving the command seal order for him to kill himself, but then she realized it made no difference either way. Instead, she asked, "Betraying and being betrayed. That's what my whole fate is about, isn't it?"

He shrugged. "Couldn't happen to a better girl."

And he stomped on her skull.

* * *

**Saber**.

"I'm Servant Saber! Hey, are you my Master?"

Rin blinked, perplexed. Well, she had gotten herself a Saber like she wanted, but even so, this wasn't what she had been expecting for.

Saber was just a boy two or three years younger than her, wearing a stupid looking white cloth hat of sorts that covered his hair and the sides of his face, with blue shorts and a lighter blue T-shirt. The sword he carried had a handle shaped like a root, and his eyes were very small, like black dots. On top of that, he seemed to have no nose.

"Uh..." Rin doubted. "Yes, yes, I am. However, before we can establish our contract, I ask of you; what is your real name?"

He smiled very proudly and slammed a fist on his chest. "I'm Finn the Human! Champion of Ooo! Last of the humans! You're a Princess, aren't you? No, don't tell me, let me guess... Princess Twintails? Princess Sweater? Princess Tall Socks?"

"I'm no princess. My name is Tohsaka Rin, " she dryly told him, wondering what she had done to deserve that. She'd be the Grail War's laughingstock. And even worse, Luvia's. "And I'm a human, by the way, so you can't be the last one."

The boy gave her a shocked stare. "You are?-!"

"Yes! Of course I am! This world is full of humans! How couldn't you know that? You're supposed to know something as basic as— Hey, are you listening to me?"

Saber's eyes were inflating up to really wet and creepy levels, his hands on his cheeks. "A whole world full of humans...! Oh, this is so cool...! Although you really don't look human to me."

"You are the one who doesn't look human at all!" Rin snapped.

But he turned out to be, after all, a very good and brave boy.

Even now she was old and gray, Rin thought fondly of him. At times, even missed him.

But every adventure must end at some time.

* * *

**Caster.**

Morisato Keiichi didn't ever have a lot of good days, but this one was turning out as one of the definitely worst ones of his life. Waking up trapped in an academy where everyone was disappearing at his left and right, then learning people actually was dying because they all had been sucked into some sort of giant virtual reality computer game where you fought to the death with summoned historical figures. Or something like that. It was very confusing, and Keiichi's brain was half-fried by this point.

Only because of that, he could have thought he'd stand a chance of escape and survival if he called 911 for help. Which he did.

"Hello!" a kind female voice told him from the other end of the line. "You have contacted the Divine Help Service Line! We'll be sending you a Servant shortly!"

"Eh? What? Wait, don't joke with me!" Keiichi gasped. "I'm serious, don't hang on... me..."

The words had barely left his mouth when the floor before him was glowing in blinding white, and from it, a slender and curvaceous figure in an impossibly elaborate and rich white and blue dress rose, floating eye level with him. The also impossibly beautiful young woman opened her clear blue eyes and smiled saintly at him.

"Hello!" she said. "I am Servant Caster! I ask of you, are you my Master?"

—

So, now they were face to face with another Caster and her Master, a shy looking young woman with long brown hair. The second Caster was also very cute, although shorter and bustier than Keiichi's, and wore a dark blue kimono and sandals. Oddly, she had fox ears and a long fluffy tail, as well. And yet, the strangest thing about her was how she and Caster were looking at each other now, as if trying to remember something they couldn't quite figure out yet.

Finally, Keiichi's Caster placed her hands together and smiled brightly. "Ah! Amaterasu-chan!"

The other Caster did likewise. "It's you! Verthdandi-chan!"

And they ran to hug each other.

Keiichi blinked, then looked at the other Caster's Master. "Um, so... Does she have any sisters?"

"N-Not that I know of. Why?"

"Lucky you..." he sighed.

Urd's head peeked out from a subspace door, stinking of cheap booze to high heavens. "Hey, keep it quiet with your battle or whatever you're doing, alright? Gil-kun and me are trying to have some quiet private time here..."

Skuld came in riding on the shoulders of a rewired Frankenstein's monster. "Hey, Oneechan, look, look! I made a portal to the Apocrypha universe! I even got photos of two Draculas fighting, wanna see?"

* * *

**Rider.**

And then the flaming skull was staring directly into Zouken's eyes, and his eyes were literally hollow windows to an unspeakable Hell.

**"You have harmed my Master, my real Master, for the last time ever, "** the Rider said, with a voice as burning as the air around his head. **"She may have been merciful on you, but me... I am Retribution. Now, feel all the pain you have ever caused anyone!"**

Then the Penance Stare drilled into him. And Zouken did not stop screaming.

* * *

**Monster.**

"Monster is not even an actual Servant Class, " Black Lancer told the man whose body, until dawn, had been covered by hair, with cold contempt in his voice.

"It is!" the man argued. "Well, not actually, but still, some have said a creature from a realm beyond still can fight in a Grail War as a Monster, a wildcard anomaly! I don't care if I have to fight in the Red or Black faction, but I assure you I would be a valuable asset! I only can be killed with a silver bullet, I'll let you know!"

"... I shall go for some, " Gordes Musik Yggdmillennia announced, walking away.

"Yes, please!" the man said. "Anything to finish this cursed existence as a flesh eating monster! Anything! There's no risk I won't take, no challenge I won't tackle! Either I will be granted a cure with an earned wish, or a death in battle! Either way, I'll be free at last!"

"... You're pathetic, " Caules Forvedge Yggdmillennia sneered.

Black Lancer shook his head. "No. No matter what, you still aren't an actual Servant. No faction will ever take you."

"B-But you are in, and so is she!" the man then pointed at Black Berserker. "The rules of the genre say I must be in wherever both of you happen to be together!"

"No. If we take you in, we'll have to accept them as well!" Black Lancer pointed to where, standing behind the Wolfman, a mummy, a scaly creature from a tropical lagoon, a tentacled space alien and a drooling hunchback waited in line.

The Wolfman looked dejectedly at the other freaks. "Let's go with the Red Faction, friends. Maybe they'll be more accepting..."

* * *

**Lancer.**

"Natsuki?-!" Mai gasped as the figure behind the shapely, brown haired Lancer stepped out into the light, grimly serious. The small, black haired, twin braided Saber of Mai hissed like a furious cat, standing protectively before her Master. "Oh, God. Don't tell me you are a Master in this insane Grail War!"

The long haired biker sighed dryly. "As it turns out to be, you are half-right, Mai. I am Lancer's Master, indeed. However, I also am—"

**Archer.**

"— Servant Archer!" Natsuki said, pulling her twin handguns out.

Mai blinked. "What. Okay, time out, tell me, you are her Master, even though we're a Servant too?"

Lancer nodded. "And I'm Archer's Master, too, " she said with a thick, drawling Kyoto accent.

"How in the world can that be?-!" Mai protested. "Who has ever heard of two Servants being the Masters to each other?-!"

"It's the Power of Yuri, Mai-han, " Lancer said, very seriously. "Can't you feel it as well, with your precious link between you and Saber-han?"

Saber blinked. "What's a link? It's something you eat?"

Mai ran a hand through her own hair. "Even assuming that makes any sense, it still doesn't explain who the heck summoned who first!"

"I did, of course, " Lancer said. "I am the seme in our relationship."

"That only raises even further questions!" Mai yelled.

Natsuki blushed and looked aside. "She had to be the seme. Anyone with that long and piercing a weapon just had to be—"

"I don't mean that kind of questions! And that's way too much information, even if it's only implied!" Mai screeched.

Lancer frowned a little. "Be that as it may be, Mai-han, what if we start the fight right now? Natsuki and me have a prana recharge session scheduled early tonight..."

Elsewhere, Suzushiro Haruka blinked at the just appeared girl with short red hair standing before her, lazily licking the long claws in her right hand.

"I am Servant Assassin, " the redhead announced herself. "Which one of you is my Master?"

Haruka and Yukino traded perplexed stares before Yukino pointed at Haruka. "Um, she's the Master by default!"

* * *

**Lancer.**

Saber stood there, at the middle of the park, with a vein bulging on her head as she held her ground, holding her sword. "No, I'm your opponent. Really, I am. would you just listen to me already?"

"Oh, sweet Lady Dulcinea, " Lancer said, shaking his head sadly. "Truly, the perfidious wizard who placed that spell upon you was a heartless fiend! Fooling a damsel into believing she is a knight... What a blackhearted way to have a young woman killed! I swear on my honor I will personally kill him, freeing you from his spell, as soon as I finish my duel with Saber! Have at thee, Saber!" the old looking, tall and thin Servant in the slightly clunky and rusty armor kept attacking the nearest tree.

"I'M NOT A DAMSEL!" Saber stomped a foot down. "Never before I had been so insulted! Why won't you grant me the honor of an actual battle!"

From their surveillance spot, Waver asked, holding for dear life on Rider, "S-So... how is the battle going, then...?"

Rider lowered his binoculars for a moment, thought gravelly, and finally shrugged. "Eh. He's got the spirit, at the very least..."

* * *

**Beast****- by I Am Not Creative Enough.**

It took the Einzbern family six days to prepare their summoning. Ilya looked at what she had summoned. And she thought it was good. Therefore, she rested on the seventh day.

—-

Shirou blinked as he looked at what the little girl had brought forward. That's when he heard the most undignified shriek of pants-shitting terror. When he turned, he saw that Saber was already halfway to the Emiya household, while careful observation showed that, in a dark corner out of the way that was almost completely invisible in the penumbra of the night, a red-clothed servant rocked back and forth.

He shared an odd look with Rin, who seemed as confused as he was. "I wonder what's got them so scared. I mean, it's just a rabbit..."

Ilya merely smiled in a frankly disturbing manner. "You should read up on your arthurian myth sometime, onii-chan."

* * *

**Assassin- by ****Psyga 315****.**

"I shall end this fight in two words..." Lancer said to his opponent.

"Hmph... Really then?" Assassin smirked.

"GAE BOL-"

"**ZA WARUDO!**"

In an instant, it was _Lancer_ that got killed in one hit.

* * *

**Avenger- by Shadow Crystal Mage.**

"Noble Phantasm!" the colorfully clad Servant called. "_Raising the Mighty Shield!_"

And all those who opposed the shield yielded. Except the German, who he punched. She looked like a Nazi…

* * *

**Berserker- by Eva Unit 01.**

The Einzbern had chosen, for the Fifth War, to focus on a Servant that could be controlled.

With the self awareness-reducing qualities of Mad Enhancement in mind, they chose Berserker.

No sooner had Ilyasviel finished the chant for Berserker, than half of Castle Einzbern exploded.

The Servant began, "Are you my Mas-"

Then he opened his eyes and recognized several of the faces below him.

Berserker's eyes dilated until the pupils were barely visible, as he roared, "_EINZBERN_!"

Ilya _recognized_ this voice from the last War. But the anger, the anger was new.

Moreso because she couldn't see the man it was coming from. No, she was hearing it come from a giant, cutting-edge machine. A robot, with angular wings and a sword designed for splitting battleships in two.

Not really yelling at any one specific person, Berserker accused, "You, more than anyone, should understand the total hell of ten years ago, and yet you're starting up _another_ one?!"

Rocketing into the air and tearing a giant hole in Castle Einzbern's roof in the process, the machine turned and leveled its sword at the assembled Einzbern.

Heart filled with rage, he roared, "**ANOTHER WAR?!**"

Berserker's mecha charged the Einzbern with a scream of absolute fury.

_(OM's Notes: I had no idea whatsoever who this guy was supposed to be, so I quote Eva when asked about it: "__Berserker is Shinn Asuka, from __Mobile Suit Gundam SEED Destiny__, and the machine is his basic Impulse Gundam")._

* * *

**Assassin****- by Eva Unit 01.**

Assassin had completely and totally annihilated every Servant he fought with.

And now, the duo of Kotomine and Assassin were prepared to erase humanity from the Earth - Kotomine for kicks, and Assassin for his goal of allowing Earth's environment to recover.

The aged warrior turned to his Master and ordered, "ANSWER ME, KIREI! THE SCHOOL OF THE UNDEFEATED OF THE EAST!"

Mirroring his Servant, Kotomine bellowed, "THE WINDS OF THE KING!"

"ZENSHIN!"

"KEIRETSU!"

"TENPA KYORAN!"

**"LOOK! THE EAST IS BURNING RED!"**

* * *

**Assassin- by Eva Unit 01.**

He had coolly made his way through El-Molloi's defences almost without effort.

His path was strewn with dead familiars and slaughtered spirits.

Lancer provided a brief challenge, but Assassin ultimately took him out without taking too much damage.

"I'll ask once. When I turn my back and leave, I can trust the two of you to accept your loss and forfeit the War, correct?"

Displeased though he was, Kayneth gave his word. Given the alternative of them _both_ being killed here, he'd rather sacrifice his pride so that Sola-Ui, at least, could be protected in the Church.

"You have my word as a Magus."

Assassin nodded, and casually brushing his hand the incensed redhead's face on the way out, turned his back to leave.

Sola-Ui immediately grabbed a knife to chase after him, crying, "You fool! For what you did to my beloved Diarmuid, _I'll kill you!_"

Assassin barely turned his head to face her as she stopped, and he explained.

"You cannot kill me. After all, you are already dead."

Sola-Ui's head exploded.

* * *

**Caster- by Neep.**

"Caster" Rin called. "I need a word with you."

"About what?" Her Servant's voice came in reply as he materialized from the air. As always, he had appeared behind her, outside her field of vision.

"Sit, " she requested, and her Servant obliged, folding his lanky frame into one of the chairs in her parlor. This left his eyes still level with hers, as her Servant was obnoxiously tall even for a Westerner.

"Caster, we need to consider the methods we're using in this Holy Grail War." Rin began to pace back and forth before her seated Servant. "Every time we have fought other Servants we've come out on top..."

"But...?" Caster inquired.

Rin began to tick points off on her fingers "Fighting Archer badly damaged the school."

"That Noble Phantasm is hard to control." Caster looked slightly sheepish. "I dropped the beat."

"Fighting Rider ended up with Ryuudo Temple on fire."

"I missed, yes."

"I'm still not sure what you did to the church when fighting Lancer."

"I didn't expect the catacombs to be that extensive. Or for the foundation to be that weak."

"And I'm beginning to think the only reason Emiya-kun still has a home is because your battle with Saber was cut short."

Caster looked genuinely embarrassed now. "That's ... probably true."

"Caster, the Holy Grail War and magi society depends on secrecy and discretion. We need to avoid any further incidents. Is this Scorched Earth skill of yours something you can control?"

Caster sighed heavily. "It's not just due to the skill. I've always had this problem with buildings."

_Scorched Earth (Personal Skill): In any battle that proves inconclusive, the wielder's enemy will suffer losses or setbacks that will hinder them in future conflicts with the wielder. As an effect bordering on the manipulation of fate, its effects can be averted with a sufficient Luck rating._

* * *

**Caster- by** **Psyga 315****.**

Caster emerged from the spell circle. It lacked any face, any human features... It was no monster however. It looked humanoid... Like it was wearing a sort of suit. Like a magician's coat, only with ruby jewelry everywhere. A ruby plated chest, ruby bracelets and anklets, and the "face" was nothing but a shining ruby, with two metal rectangles to create "eyes". Caster opened his eyes...

And noticed that he was summoned in the blood of a family, with the son tied up, gagged, and squirming around. He then looked toward the guy that he'd probably ask confirmation for his masterhood... Though in all likeliness, he knew what the answer was, especially looking at the ratty old book he had.

"**Yeah, I don't think so.**" Caster said as he took out, from a chain of rings attached to his belt, a special ring. He placed it on his right hand. He then fumbled about a silver lever that switched the center of the belt, a giant black hand, to switch. It then glowed and repeated a catchy tune as he touched the belt with his right hand. The belt then spoke.

"**Nice choice! Kick Strike! SAIIIIIIIIKOOOOOOOOOOO~!**"

With that, Caster did a back flip going into a flying side kick while his foot was on fire, kicking Ryuunosuke and incinerating the guy.

* * *

**Assassin****- by I Am Not Creative Enough.**

Shirou ran. He just ran, his mind consumed by intense panic, his ears ringing with a sharp sound that was even now drilling through his brain.

_Don't look back_.

Every cell in his body screamed in pain as all of his focus went to the simple activity of fleeing. Prana fueled his run, and he cleared a tremendous distance, dodging dead trees in his mad and frantic sprint.

_Don't look back_.

But it didn't matter how fast he'd run. It didn't matter where he'd hide. It didn't matter how much he tried to escape.

_Don't turn around now._

His hands fell to his knees as he panted, trying to get a little air in. The ringing sound was gone. he was safe. He had gotten away. He had escaped. Cold sweat covered him, as he could feel nothing but his own exhaustion and terror.

_Don't you dare turn around._

In his mind's eye, he saw it over and over again. Something so simple, so pathetic, so unthreatening yet so... so terrifying. So alien and so human at once, the contrast making another wave of primal fear course through his body, still in the process of cooling down after massive Od usage.

He was safe. He was away. All he'd have to do now was survive. Until the sun rose. That was it. He needed to get to his home. The wards would warn him. The wards would protect him. They would stop this madness.

But the woods never opened. The dead trees never opened to show him the path. He knew this place, he knew what direction to head to, yet it shifted every time he blinked, it changed, it confused him. And then he heard a sound, as if someone had picked up a pair of drums and began beating on them, a slow, guttural melody that began to match the beating of his heart. He belatedly realized that it was, indeed, his heart that was making the sound dominating his hearing.

He knew. There was a voice in his head. It was screaming at him. _DON'T TURN AROUND_. Over and over again. It's chanting the mantra of the mad, yet he knew that it was ultimately the sane part of his mind that was yelling at him to remain looking forward.

But he had never been a very sane individual. It had been, in the end, primal curiosity that had done it.

In the end, he turned around and saw it, always following, unrelenting, unstoppable, invincible. The one that was always a step or two behind, always following. The ringing sound returned, full force, and at a volume so high Shirou felt as if his brain was splitting apart just from it. As one slender arm reached towards him, his mind went as blank as the featureless face that greeted him.

* * *

**Saber- by Shadow Crystal Mage.**

The tall, dark figure loomed over Shirou, staring down at him with blank, sightless black lenses. There was a constant hissing sound as he breathed. "Are you… my Master," he said ponderously, voice rumbling deeply.

Shirou, too paralyzed with fear, could only nod in a series of spasms.

The door to the shed flew open, briefly outlining Lancer. "Ah… here you are…" he trailed off as he caught sight of Saber and grinned. "Well… looks like this will be interesting after all…" He charged.

Saber raised one dark-gloved hand and Lancer stumbled, gasping and clawing at his throat as he choked.

With his other hand, Saber drew a silvery cylinder. There was a snap and hiss, a brilliant crimson blade erupting from the hilt…

* * *

**Berserker- by ****Enthryn****.**

Matou Zouken dispassionately observed as Kariya completed the summoning ritual. The smoke cleared to reveal... how odd. The ancient magus beheld a figure strongly resembling a large pepper shaker.

Blue lights blinked, and a mechanical voice emanated from the contraption: **"WHERE—IS—THIS—PLAAAACE?! EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN! EXPLAAAAIIIIN!****"**

The mechanical-looking creature turned toward Kariya. **"YOU—ARE—NOT—A—DAAAALEK! YOU—WILL—BE—EX—TER—MINATED!"**

Just as Kariya began to cast a defensive spell, a beam of light shot out from the Dalek. Kariya fell, dead before he hit the ground. Zouken, foul worms swarming around him, readied himself to deal with this new threat.

**"EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! EX—TER—MIN—AAAAAAAATE!"**

* * *

**Archer- by Handsome Rob.**

Lancer backstepped out of reach in the blink of a eye. This Archer... well, he was an Archer but...

_What the hell is with his Arrows? Why not just use normal arrows? Why..._

His thoughts were cut off when he was hit in the face with a Green boxing glove.

**"SUCK ON THAT FAT CAT!"**

Lancer rubbed his face. That hurt far more than it should. "I really need to kill this bastard."

* * *

**Assassin**- **by Cronosonic**.

Sakura and Shinji Matou both blinked as they saw the figure that stood in the middle of the summoning array. It was a bipedal mammal with turquoise fur, wearing a Korean warrior's garb, with a cylindrical hat that covered his eyes. He held an ornate sword in reverse grip. "I ask of you - which of you is my Master?"

"I-I am, " Sakura said, "but nii-san will be using a provisional Command Seal to command you."

"Right! I'm your Master, so get used to it!" Shinji said smugly, "You don't look like much, so don't screw up!"

"Jeez, you're kind of a jerk, " said a higher-pitched voice, accompanied by the fluttering of small wings, as what looked like a small, orange-coloured fox-like creature with wings hovered over Assassin's shoulder. "I've barely listened to this guy and I already want to maul his face off."

"Fidget, we can't go hurting our Master like that..." Assassin groaned. "I apologize, don't mind my other Noble Phantasm, she can be somewhat... Chatty."

"HEY! I'm not some Noble Whatsit!" Fidget complained.

Sakura had no idea what to make of this pair. "Well... I need to make the provisional command spell, now..."

"Weeeeeellll... In that case, he's not our Master _now_, is he?" Fidget suddenly had an evil glint in her eye.

"Heh, what can a little pint-sized thing like you possibly do to hurt m-**ARGH! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! IT HURTS!**" Shinji was promptly interrupted by Fidget gleefully biting his nose and clawing at his face. Sakura freaked out, trying to get Fidget off him, while Assassin simply facepalmed.

The next time Shinji was at school, his face was practically covered in band-aids, much to Shirou's concern and Rin and Mitsuzuri's amusement.

* * *

**Archer- by Neep.**

Shinji Matou smiled widely as he stepped out his front door. And why shouldn't he? After all, it was a lovely morning. The sky was clear, the weather was pleasant, and his Servant was going to melt everyone in his school into goo and use the harvested prana to handily win the Holy Grail War.

His pleasant ruminations were interrupted when he found a small white envelope lying on his doorstep. It was addressed to him, but clearly had not been placed in the mailbox. Muttering something about lousy useless postmen, he stooped to retrieve the envelope, opened it, and slid out the contents. Said content was a single sheet of paper, folded several times.

_Dear Shinji Matou, _he read, _You seem to consider yourself something of a lady's man._

He unfolded the paper to continue reading. _But do you know what women truly love?_

He unfolded the paper again.

Three kilometers away, Archer smirked and depressed the trigger of her gun. "Bitches love cannons."

* * *

**Berserker****- by Handsome Rob**.

Zouken Matou was a little underwhelmed at the servant his adopted Granddaughter had summoned. A young man with blonde hair tied in a braid, wearing a long red hooded trench-coat.

"What the hell is this Grandpa?!" The grating voice of Shinji Matou sounded out. "This guy is a servant?!"

The blonde boy seemed a little annoyed. " Is there a problem here? You guys are the ones who called me."

Shinji continued, not paying attention to the Heroic Spirit. " This guy is a joke! Sakura could probably beat him with his bare hands!" Shinji put a hand to his face in shame. _I shouldn't be surprised a weakling like her came up short..._

And then, Shinji was being swung around like a rag doll.

**WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MICROSCOPIC AMOEBA THAT'S BARELY TALLER THAN YOUR SHOE?!**

Zouken and Sakura sweatdropped. Shinji continued to scream like a bitch.

"...no one said anything like that." Zouken mumbled. They had certainly summoned a steel willed servant.

Bad tempered too.

* * *

**Archer****-by Handsome Rob**.

"So then I take it you're the one who summoned me?" Archer inquired.

"That's right. If you follow my commands, we can be victorious Archer." Rin answered.

Rin gave her new servant a good look. This was her first summoning, so she didn't have much of a frame of reference, but...

_Is this girl really a heroic spirit?_ Rin thought to herself. The girl standing in front of her seemed to be wearing a strange black and red sleeveless mini dress(or body suit), with a White sleeveless vest and a odd belt over her waist, which held up white skirt that was open at the front. She had red hair that looked like it could as long as Rin's if it wasn't tied back in pig-tails.

It was her weapons that made Rin raise her eyebrows. Two hand guns held in both hands. Rin had been under the impression that Heroic Spirits who used guns were non existent. In fact, there was something abnormally modern...no futuristic about this girl and her weapons; The Tohsaka heir could clearly see it, and her knowledge of technology was barely better than the average Magus(she could use a phone. That counts as better).

"Are you really a Heroic Spirit?" Rin asked her new servant. The other girl seemed a little annoyed at the question. " You don't really seem like much."

Archer was definitely annoyed by that. "Well you don't seem all that impressive for a supposed Master of the Holy Grail war either." While Rin had been sizing up her Servant, Archer had been doing the same. "I thought only prestigious families were involved in this. Why is some mere girl who looks like she's around the same age as me allowed to order me around?"

"What?!" Rin got a large vein on her forehead. Where did she get off asking that kind of question? "Listen here you! I have the Command Seals, so you just do what I tell you!" Rin was in no mood for smart-mouths. " I've seen your stats: As servants go, you look pretty average. Nothing to write home about."

And then Archer was in her face, and they were nose to nose now. The Servant had a pretty large vein on her forehead as well. "**WHO ARE YOU CALLING AVERAGE?!** I apologize if I didn't come from sone fancy mage Family, or that I wasn't born with super talent oh great Master!" There was a heavy sarcastic tone in Archer's voice. "Some of us aren't so lucky as to have all our talent come from genetics! We have to work for our skill, which is what I did!"

Now Rin was really pissed. "**WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN HUH?** Who says I didn't work hard to become as good as I am?! You better watch your damn mouth!"

"Or what? You gonna waste a Command Seal on the first day? What kind of idiot would do that?!" Archer challenged. Rin was practically seething.

"The same kind of idiot who pushes her luck five seconds after being summoned, that's who!" Rin replied. Archer might as well of had steam coming out of her ears.

"**WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN IDIOT? YOU IDIOT?**"

"**I'M CALLING YOU AN IDIOT! YOU IDIOT!**"

They say that without a catalyst, the Master can end up summoning a Servant with a similar personality. Unfortuntely for Rin, she'd called up the worst kind of personality for her Servant: a Tsundere.

"**THERE'S NO WAY I'M TAKING ORDERS FROM A BRAT LIKE YOU! I WAS THE FIELD LEADER OF MY OWN TEAM! WHY THE HELL SHOULD I OBEY A PAMPERED BRAT WHO'S NEVER BEEN IN A SINGLE BATTLE BEFORE?**" Archer demanded, while holding her guns in a ready position, Clearly ready to start shooting everything in the room wearing a red sweater.

"**BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT A SERVANT IS SUPPOSED TO DO! THAT'S WHY! IF YOU DON'T START SHOWING SOME RESPECT, I'LL TEACH IT TO YOU! AND DON'T THINK I NEED A COMMAND SEAL TO DO IT EITHER!**" Rin screamed back, while pulling out the rest of her jewels, having decided that she'd had enough of lippy red-heads.

"**I WILL STARLIGHT BREAKER YOUR ASS RIGHT INTO THE GROUND!**"

**"BRING IT ON! I BET IT'S AVERAGE JUST LIKE YOU! ****MY JEWELS CAN MATCH A RANK SPELLS!**"

The Tohsaka mansion got a few new suns roofs that night. Rin considered herself lucky she lived far away from where anyone could see anything.

* * *

**Saber****- by Handsome Rob**.

Assassin looked upon the Saber with curiosity. The man was clearly Japanese in nationality, which wasn't really important in the grand scheme of things; it was however, nice to meet someone from home. All he wore was a White Kimono, and sandals. He wore a Katana at his hip and his black hair was tied in a top not.

"So then Saber. You seek to pass me and meet my master do you?"

Saber was quiet. He stared down Assassin with a hard eyes; they bore no malice, but they were stronger than steel. This man has seen much in his life, and it had never stopped him. Assassin could tell that he was included among that list.

"Do not speak. Your eyes say everything. For men such as us, only our blades need speak." Assassin pulled out his sword, and briefly gazed upon it as it caught the moonlight. '' Before we begin, I shall tell you my true name: Sasaki Koujirou."

Saber slowly pulled out his own Katana, and took a fighting stance. He understood the meaning behind Assassin's actions. When a fight to the death is about to take place, the potential losers should know each others names. It would be a dishonour not to.

"They call me... JACK!''' And they, their blades met.

* * *

**Rider****- by Shadow Crystal Mage**.

Saber gritted her teeth as she and Shirou were surrounded by a unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable yellow mist, which glowed with an unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable light. Around them, unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable chanting seemed to fill the air with unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable syllables, the kind that when recited would reveal the plot of Twilight. "Stand ready Shirou! Our enemy could be anywhere…"

From the darkness, an unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable ''shape' appeared, the unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable figure coalescing, becoming…

"Heh he he..." the silver-haired girl who appeared greeted, smiling a unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable smile. "Coming from the darkness with the tears of my enemies at my back, speak my name and I will appear!" She placed both hands next to a big metal unholy, unnatural, abnormal, unspeakable, blasphemous, ominous, chaotic, unthinkable belt at her waist. The words "STRIV RIDE" appeared. "Rider Change!"

And so sanity began to drop like rain as she beat them up with Servant CQC…

* * *

**Saber- by Eva Unit 01.**

For the better part of an hour, Gilgamesh had been raining down his treasures upon the Knight of Sword, but still had yet to hit him.

"Stay in one place and _die_, you little green **MONGREL**!"

At that time, there was a flash of neon green light, and the King of Heroes' head was taken from his body.

The diminutive Saber had but one remark.

"Abandoned your anger, you should have."

* * *

**Berserker****- by Handsome Rob**.

"What the hell is that thing supposed to be?" Shirou was dumbfounded at this servant.

"It appears to be a giant ant Shirou." Saber was equally baffled. Why was a giant ant considered a Heroic Spirit?

"Inferno!" Saber and Shirou became more confused when the ant talked, and things weren't going to start making more sense anytime soon.

"**TERRORIZE!**" The giant talking ant changed before their eyes with mechanical whirs and creaks into a...bipedal robot with a clear ant theme.

"What?" Both Shirou and Saber would find those were the only words they could say for the next few days. They would not be able to stop thinking about this battle.

"**FOR. THE. ROYAAAALLLLLTTTTTYYYYYYYY**"

* * *

**NEXT**: The Happy Tree Friends! The Ice King! Negi Springfield! And more!


	3. Where Morrigan and Medusa Fight Naked

_The ever lovin' copypasted copyright info, not that any of you ever bothers to read these things anyway!__ Fate Stay Night_ and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Type-Moon and Kinoko Nasu, and the author of this set of short pieces has made no material profit from it, and never will do.

Similarly, all non-Fate characters mentioned here are the properties of their respective copyright holders.

Any non-parodic, non-totally safe similarity between the characters and events of these ministories and anyone or anything ever actually seen in real life is a pure coincidence. For real!

Sadly, I couldn't finish Negi or the Ice King's segments for this chapter. Maybe next time!

"Who was the tsundere that threatened to Starlight Breaker Rin?" – Sorry for taking so long to answer. You'd have to ask Handsome Rob himself, really, but I think it was an alternate version of Teana from a fanfic.

Again, a lot of good fellas from the TV Tropes boards have showed interest on writing more of these snippets, so rejoice! At the end of this chapter, you'll get to read a lot of material from people who are far better writers than me!

Read. Review. Please. PLEASE! But mostly, enjoy.

* * *

**SERVANTS WHO NEVER SHOULD BE SUMMONED- ROUND THREE!**

* * *

**Rider.**

Shinji and Sakura stared, stupified, at the short caped figure standing before them, holding a gigantic and absurdly complex large caliber futuristic gun twice his own size.

"Well?" the Servant said. "I asked and formulated a question, a query for both of you who stand there together, next to each other. Which one of you summoned me, bringing me to this world, from the Throne of Heroes, which is separated from this world and in another place? I am Servant Rider, and I fall into that class or category because in life, when I could, I rode numerous artifacts, contraptions and vehicles which served as my tools in the unending war and conflict against the accursed POOOOWERPUUUUF GIIIIRLS!" He shook a gloved fist. "Because my real name, which is not my Rider name since that is the name of my class, is MOOOOJO JOOOOJO! Yes, Mojo Jojo, greatest criminal scientific genius of this era or any other era, with unmatched mastery over science, which I apply to peerless crime! Well, I ask again, addressing you once more? Which one of you would call yourself my Master, even if I should be your Lord and Master and Ruler instead?"

Shinji looked at Sakura. "On second thought, you can keep him."

* * *

**Caster.**

"I'll tell you my real name," the ghostly figure standing at the gates of the temple said. "My real name... is Candlejack!"

"Candlejack?" Gilgamesh chuckled in a condescending way as everyone else stared in puzzled stupor at Caster, wondering why he'd just reveal himself like that. "Hah! Candlejack, what a ridiculous name! Truly fitting a mongrel with no sense of

When he suddenly fell silent, Rin looked at where he had been one moment before. "Ah! He disappeared! Is this part of his strategy?"

"Which strategy?" Saber asked. "He couldn't bother to have one! And he'd never stop talking while belittling someone! This must be, somehow, Candlejack's doing. Shirou, you must be

"Huh?" Shirou looked at her. Or rather where she had been until right now. "Ah! Saber! Where did you go?"

Archer clenched his teeth. "Damn it! Don't say it, you idiots! Don't say it or it'll happen to you too!"

"Saying what?" Rin blinked. "Oh, you mean 'Candlejack'? But why— Oh, I think I get it. I'm an idiot, am not

Shirou rubbed his eyes. "Tohsaka? Hey, you!" he turned to Caster. "What have you done to her, Candlej—!"

Archer slammed a hand on his mouth. "Quiet, you! Or else, you... Huh, come to think about it, I should have let you say it. It'd have saved me a lot of trouble if Candlejack had— Oh, shit, I had to

Shirou, now completely alone with Caster, stared, dumbfounded, at the Servant's hooded face. He seemed to smile under his old cloth mask.

"I think I'm going to need more rope," Caster said.

Shirou rubbed his chin. "You know, have you thought of using those skills for the sake of justice...?"

—-

Matou Zouken looked at the note someone had left on his desk. It only had a single word written on it.

"Candlejack?" he read aloud. "What in the world is a 'Candlejack'? What manner of stupid

And that's the story of how Emiya Shirou and Candlejack, Heroes of Justice, won the Fifth Holy

* * *

**Caster.**

At last! After so many efforts, after literally and figuratively sweating blood to achieve it, through sheer hard work, determination and stubbornness (and stupid blind luck, but he'd never admit that), he had summoned his own Servant! One who would be far better than that dumb sexy Sakura's!

Not that he'd stop using said Servant and Sakura herself, too, but it was the principle of the thing!

And now, before him, his Servant rose, unique and singular, as a Servant of a true Matou should be. And it was...

... a small blue cartoon horse with a horn, wearing a cape and pointy hat.

"Greetings!" she saluted melodramatically, flashing a huge grin. "Count yourself as blessed, Master, for you have summoned The Great and Powerful Caster! Ah ha ha ha...!"

Shinji began beating his forehead against the floor.

* * *

**Monster**

The Saber valiantly and chivalrously waited, sword firmly in hand, as the strange enemy Servant slowly opened its shell, with an ominous grinding and creaking sound that echoed slowly through the night. At last, they would be truly face to face, as Servants were supposed to be during a Grail War.

Then the creature that had been hidden within the shell stood revealed, and Saber gasped, prey to a primal, overwhelming terror the likes of which she never had felt before.

All across Fuyuki City, the other Servants and Masters paused in their own conflicts, gripped by a sudden sensation of crushing dread and disgust, mixed with uncontrollable panic and unexplainable anxiety. And then, a final feeling of losing everything at once.

The civilians and mundanes all across the globe held as little chance as the mightiest magi and vampires.

For the Monster barnacle was so ugly, that everyone died.

—-

"The End," Seyritt finished her story as she closed the book on her lap.

Pouting on her bed, with a quite large zit on her nose, Ilya yelled, "That didn't help at all!"

* * *

**Archer.**

Through the ages, the methods to obtain power have changed, but the core drive of greed and ambition has remained the same since the days men and women began gathering out of their caverns. Once, the most powerful means to gain ultimate power were magic, then technology, and finally became a mixture of both.

The Powers family always struggled hard to hold onto power in any manifestation they could get their hands onto. Derek Powers the Fifth, indirect descendant of the infamous power tycoon of Gotham, was no exception; if anything, he was more ruthless and stubborn than any of his ancestors since the first man in the family to use that name.

The shattered piece of armor was his in his mind. By having it stolen from the museum, he only was recovering something that was his to use as he pleased. It had been found at an old facility of his family, and it had been built, in the first place, with resources from the first Derek Powers.

And now he gladly chanted the invocation as he looked at the relic, the catalyst for his Servant. As expected from someone who had been taught on the ways of magic by his mother since he could speak, it worked.

The Servant rose before his, towering in his remade sleek, dark armor, cold dead red eyes glaring from behind the transparent helmet. An all encompassing chilling waft drifted from the Servant, sweeping over the whole room and the man who had brought him.

"I am Archer, Servant for the Holy Grail War," the monotone, profound voice intoned soullessly. "I ask of you, are you my Master?"

—-

The battles raged with no pause blooding the streets of New Gotham. The infamous Assassin, Jack the Ripper. The hulking, red skinned and surprisingly cunning Berserker. The affable, long bearded, white robed Caster. The valiant Saber, El Cid. The red clad young girl with the sweet tooth identified as Lancer. The mysterious, grim Magical Girl, who seemed to have a story with Lancer. All of them fell one after another, until only Archer and Rider remained, doing a final battle over the remain of Old Gotham's Babylon Towers.

For the first time, Derek Powers the Fifth saw actual emotion on his Servant as he battled Rider. And for good reason. For Rider was, if his outfit and skills and the legends about them were to be believed, Archer's nemesis in life. They fought with no rest or mercy, ending up in blows after Rider had ran out of weapons, but not before fracturing Archer's arsenal of freezing guns, even his massive Ice Cannon Noble Phantasm.

It came too close for Powers' comfort, but Rider already had several parts of his body frozen solid. With Archer's damaged but still functional armor working enough to protect him, Archer was able to deliver the final hit by using small dials on his wrist to freeze Rider's face and shattering it with his large fists. For a moment, Powers thought he had seen him smiling. But if that ever happened, the emotion disappeared from his pale face just as soon.

Then the sacred cup, the Grail itself, materialized to life for the first time in over a century. However, confirming Powers' worst fears since his findings during the War, the current Grail, the one remade after Tohsaka and Velvet's meddling all those decades ago, had been an incomplete, useless one that expired and vanished in a cloud of dust just after being summoned. The magi behind its creation had been nowhere in the same field as the three original families. Derek Powers the Fifth sighed as he, with disgust, wiped his hands clean of that dust, and walked over to where his Servant, his armor dying down at last, detached himself from his dying mechanical body. For the one still organic part in him was that head that was inside of the helmet with tiny spider like legs.

"So, Master, " Archer sounded strangely, even smugly, but softly pleased as he was being picked up. "It seems your dream was for naught after all. While I at least got to prevail over my longtime foe. Aren't our roles traded now? At the start of this War, you mocked me for being a failure in life, while you were fated for great things."

"And I am, " Powers said, undeterred. "This was nothing but a setback. And not even that. Most of my rivals in the magic community have died, but most important of all, you will give me the means to achieve true immortality, Grail or not. Your current state means you will need precious little mana to be kept alive. I will preserve you as a familiar while my scientists decode your secrets and improve upon them. Then, if I feel thankful, I finally will free you from this wretched, pathetic existence. Well, Freeze? How do you feel about that, hmm?"

As the man walked away with the head under an arm, Archer took a moment before answering. "How do I feel? I feel nothing. I left sorrow and regret behind long ago."

* * *

**Assassin vs. Assassin**

Tohsaka Rin couldn't hide her disappointment over the Servant she had just summoned. Instead of the Saber she had hoped for, she had called on a very short man with skin as pale as paper, wearing a black coat and pointy hat, and whose nose was, not only sharp, but as big as the rest of his head if not more. When she asked him about his Class and identity, he only produced a card that read 'Black Assassin.' Apparently, this shame of a Servant couldn't even talk.

Oh, well. Her only comfort was, if she hadn't gotten anything better than that, neither could have Luvia...

—-

Luviagelita Edelfelt couldn't hide her disappointment over the Servant she had just summoned. Instead of the Saber she had hoped for, she had called on a very short man with skin as pale as paper, wearing a white coat and pointy hat, and whose nose was, not only sharp, but as big as the rest of his head if not more. When she asked him about his Class and identity, he only produced a card that read 'White Assassin.' Apparently, this shame of a Servant couldn't even talk.

Oh, well. Her only comfort was, if she hadn't gotten anything better than that, neither could have Rin...

—-

Over the next few days, Servants fought and fell all across Fuyuki City, but the Assassins had come to focus only on each other, disregarding the other Servants and Masters to lock themselves in a seemingly unending bloody competition. Had their narrow minded conflict been focused on any other single traget, their Masters would have protested, but Luvia and Rin both seemed far too happy and willing to agree on being each other's priority.

And so, they fought and ambushed and maimed each other, no side ever getting a definitive victory. White Assassin and Black Assassin seemed to take turns on grossly 'murdering' each other only to come back for more, stubbornly refusing to die even when they were killed. They electrocuted, stabbed, shot, smashed, squashed, gutted, pummeled, flattened, sliced and knifed each other time after time only to recover and go for more. They set traps for each other and their respective Masters with demonic ingenuity and frantic drive, and although they always returned unharmed despite their previous vicious wounds, their Masters didn't share their durability. Ultimatums were given. And quite angrily delivered.

—-

They stood face to face on the empty lot, next to their Servants, grinning at each other as best as they could. Rin had a black patch over her missing left eye, and had one leg on a cast. Luvia had an arm on a sling, and if you looked carefully at the right leg coming out of her long skirt, you could see it was an artificial one. Their bodies had, on addition to that, countless bruises and marks all over them.

"Well, " Rin rasped. "Even if open confrontations aren't what Assassins were intended for, it seems we still have no choice but falling on this..."

"Oh ho ho ho! Indeed, Rin! We are going to settle this tonight, for good! And once you're out of my way, the Holy Grail will be mine! You'll regret calling me and challenging me to come here!"

Rin blinked. "Ah? I thought you were the one to challenge me! I was at home minding my own business!"

"Eh? D-Don't be ridiculous! I'd never stoop to beg for your attend—"

Then they looked down at the charges set around their feet. One second before they exploded.

For once, the Black and White Assassins shared frantic, maniacal giggles and 'V' signs after shaking hands. It had been so worth it.

Then Black Assassin whipped a gun out and shot White Assasin's brains off before disappearing from insufficient mana.

Yes, so worth indeed.

Watching from a distance, the Saber exhaled. "Well, it would seem you were right, Master. It worked like you expected. I would normally have objected to this wait and see strategy as dishonorable, but these Assassins did not deserve being granted a fair fight..."

Her young, red-haired Master smiled at her in quite the stupid fashion and then said, "What, us worry?"

* * *

**Temptress.**

Medea stared at the newly summoned figure rising before her, languidly and tossing its long blond hair back, staring at her with sultry, piercing blue eyes.

This was not good. Not good at all. She would need a strong arm to fight for her, the muscle for her brains, a warrior Servant. This was an anomaly Servant, probably brought by irregularities in the summoning. A different class, not one of the recognized seven, but even so, for some reason, Caster could not protest or feel angry as her new Servant opened her mouth and began singing a mesmerizing and alluring song that went,

_"It's not pretty being me. Just try it and you'll see. It's harder than you think to be a gorgeous mink. __La la da da da da de. It's not pretty being me! __"_

Medea remained nailed on her feet as Temptress covered the distance between them, wrapping a long, silky tail around her body and lightly teasing her collarbone with her fingers. "Tell me..." the strange but irresistible creature was purring, "Are you my Master...?"

"Ah... Ah... Ah..." Medea twitched. "B-Before we talk about the, the War, there are some... things, I mean clothes I'd like you to try on..."

Attracted by the noise, Kuzuki peeked into the room and, for the first time since he could remember, his ever present lack of expression was replaced by his face turning into a trumpet and going "OOOGA! OOOGA! OOOGA!"

Issei peeked in after him, took a bland, bored look at the weird furry cosplayer with his sensei's mistress, and muttered, "What are you turning this home into, Caster-san...?"

—-

"Seriously!" Issei facepalmed, at his wit's end. "Why am I the only one who can see her for what she is? Shirou! She's covered by fur!"

"It's only a thin, thin layer..." an absently staring Shirou said.

"Under which, there is tender, soft flesh, much like that of any of us..." Saber added, struck by that exotic vision's beauty, in a way she had never looked at another woman since Guinevere. Fine, and maybe Rin during that prana recharge.

"I know... I should resist!" Archer said through gritted teeth. "I should... fight it...! But... But...! AROOGA! AROOGA!"

Temptress smiled benevolently as she kept a very still Lancer under an arm, while petting Gilgamesh's hair with her free hand, her feet and the ground around them covered by golden offerings. "I think I could get used to this place. Oh yes, baby, this is how I like it..."

"I'm with Megane!" Ilya stood her angrily pouting ground next to Issei, arms folded while Berserker hit his own head with his mace over and over, his tongue hanging out. "Why are you all idiots so awestruck by this... this critter? I just can't see why you would—!"

Temptress gave her a disapassioned look, then switched herself to a French Maid outfit.

There was the sound of a switch clicking inside of Ilya's head, and then she flung herself for Temptress' chest. _"MEIDOOOOOO!"_

Issei facepalmed again. Harder. Rin pushed him aside. "Temptress-sama! I brought you these gems!"

"Oh ho ho ho! I brought you even more, and of a much higher quality, Temptress-sama!" Luvia began struggling with Rin.

The doors flew open, and Dark Sakura slithered in, dragging shadows behind herself. "Mine mine mine, I'll make you mine..."

"Wait in line!" Temptress barked.

After a stunned moment of silence, Dark Sakura nodded and went to stand behind Kirei. Briefly, she looked at him and asked, "I thought only evil satisfied you...?"

"Good thing she's evil as well, then, " Kirei austerely said.

Dark Sakura nodded and sighed. "The perfect woman...!"

Behind her, Rider seemed to flinch at that comment.

—-

The Avenger had once been only a human. A male human. And his maleness has spreaded through the Holy Grail much like his corruption. So, when Temptress finally got her hands on the wonderful golden and shiny cup, and realized there was a pesky, icky dark old evil living inside of it, she only had to frown at it and ask, "Could you, like, just leave? You're lowering MY Grail's market value! Honestly, what a nerve!"

Angra Mainyu, unable to object, especially with those breasts hanging right above his presence, complied after a moment of doubt and erased himself from existence with a deafening crushing sound and a puff of dark smoke that flew everywhere.

"EWWWWW!" Temptress waved the smoke off her face. "GROSS! What a rude, vulgar... man! But it's all okay now, the shiny pretty cup is mine, all oh so mine, and...!"

Unable to exist anymore after being cut from the influx of Evil that had powered it up for so long, so many decades, the Holy Grail crumbled to dust into Temptress' hands then.

She made a truly hideous and disgusting face of grotesquely comical shock, distorting her beautiful features, and took her head back, yelling for the skies.

**"LIFE IS SOOOOOO UNFAIR!-!-!-!"**

Issei smirked.

* * *

**Caster.**

"Hello, I'm Servant Caster! Are you my Master?" she happily greeted me.

She was a cute girl with light blond hair and freckles, having more than a passing resemblance to Melissa Joan Hart in her teen years. She wore a tight short skirted dress, and had a black cat with her, which I supposed was her familiar.

— unfortunately, I can't tell her story because of Fanfiction Dot Net's legal policies and copyright holders objections. A pity. It was a very interesting story.

* * *

**Savior.**

The Servants, all of them but one, had fallen. The Grail had manifested itself, unleashing its malice, fully ready to devastate the world of humans. All it had to do first was crushing that final, frail looking Servant still standing before it, a wiry, pathetic young female with her long blond hair in twin long tails, and wearing that idiotic looking white uniform with the short shirt and... the wide white wings...

Oh, no.

No no no no no no no.

No no!

The Grail could feel the overwhelming power of its antithesis, its opposite number, quickly powering up so the clothes disappeared from her, being swiftly replaced by an ethereal regal white dress, a silver crown around her head.

She smiled at the Grail, in a sadistically saintly and purely wide way, a way that would have been toxic for the cursed cup even if it hadn't been followed by the Servant pointing her luminous scepter at it and saying, _"Moon Healing Escalation."_

No wonder the Grail hated the Extra Classes.

* * *

**Archer.**

Under a thundering dark sky, Archer of Black and Archer of Red met at the middle of the shattered battlefield, their weapons at the ready, and they nobly announced themselves before engaging into deadly combat.

"Be you the mean Servant that's a-hankerin' for a heap of trouble, stranger? Well, be ya?" Archer of Red growled, a smoking gun on each hand.

Archer of Black laughed, in a way... fitting a man of his stature and majesty... "Ehh he he he. Well, if you must know, I'm Sewvant Awcher from the Faction of Black. Please be quiet, vewy quiet... I'm hunting for the other Awcher..."

"The other Archer? The other Archer!" the other man roared. "Well, pardner, lemme tell ya somethin'! I'm Archer of Red, the roughest, toughest he-man stuffest hombré that's ever crossed the Rio Grande! An' I ain't no namby-pamby!" he finished, shooting his guns around in all directions. "An' this town ain't big enough fer the two of us!"

Archer of Black scratched his large, bald head with his shotgun. "Oh dear. I hadn't wealized that. You look like a vewy stwong adwersawy! I think I'll have to summon my Noble Phwantasm!"

"Your Noble Phantasm?" Archer of Red laughed. "Show me then, ya lousy varmint! I really wanta see what kind of pathetic Noble Phantasm can be had by a sissy-boy city slicker like you! An' it better be a good one or else!"

Archer of Black raised a hand as a shiny horned helmet descended from the parting heavens, landing on his head and changing his clothes to ancient Norse garb. He began chanting, his tone reaching a majestic Operatic crescendo, the sky vomiting ferocious lightning on his command, "I'll kill the Wed Awcher! Awise storm! North wind bwow! South wind bwow! Huwwicanes! Typhoons! Earthquakes! **SMOOOOOG!**"

Archer of Red looked up. "Ooh..." he said in a shrunk voice before the first bolt fell on him. "This ain't gonna be a good night at all..."

* * *

**Caster.**

The demon he had just summoned was not what Ryuunosuke had been expecting for. Sure, he looked scary, like most clowns do, especially in American movies, but it was just enough. Honestly, Ryuunosuke thought he looked quite goofy in a way, too, moving around the lair with the exaggerated effeminate and yet stern airs of a caricature of an art critic, looking carefully at Ryuunosuke's creations, and occasionally humming with a disapproving raise of a green eyebrow, poking at a hanging child's arm like it was that of a doll.

"Crude, " the demon said eventually. "Vulgar and cheap. Lacks any finesse, and while it makes a very nice use of color and textures— I really love what you did with the guts over here— it doesn't make up for its utter lack of a message, a statement. I think it's puerile and lame, an obvious beginner's work!"

Ryuunosuke was torn between feeling baffled and even ashamed and feeling outraged and furious. But since he was not that insane, he decided charging the demon with his knife would be a bad idea. Instead, he only asked, with a voice dripping dry sarcasm, "Is it too much for you?"

"Too much?" the demon looked at him. "It's too little! And I'm not even talking about the amount of dead women and children. You've got a decent variety of materials, although some men added in would add a lot more. Are you that cowardly you couldn't go after a grown man your size?" Before Ryuunosuke could protest, the demon kept on talking a storm. "But that's not my point. My point, my point is this isn't art, it's just intellectual masturbation. Let's not hope it's not the literal kind too because that'd be gross, you pervert. Then again, you're Japanese, aren't you? Anyway, true art must be seen and shown! That's the only way we can grow as artists!"

He slammed his bony but shockingly strong hands on the younger man's shoulders. "Kid. You've got raw talent, and that's why it's so painful seeing you wasted like this, your passional youth's work locked up where no one but you can see or enjoy it. What's your name?"

After a moment of having those piercing eyes fixed on his, which made him feel so small and stupid, he answered sheepishly, "Uryu... Uryu Ryuunosuke."

"Well, Ryu, you can call me..." after a moment of grim doubt, he said, "Caster. Until I deem you worthy of my real name. Why am I a Caster, though, I wonder?" he mused, absenting himself from reality for a moment. "I don't know anything about magic. Is it because I'm good at chemistry, the modern alchemy? That's kind of lame for someone as awesome as me."

One of the still living captive children finally untied himself and stumbled for the door. Before Ryuunosuke could catch him, Caster had given him a chase that ended as soon as it started, tackling him and pinning him against the floor.

"Kill him, " Ryuunosuke asked eagerly, since that was the moment he had been waiting for. "Kill him now!"

Caster chuckled as he produced a syringe out, full with a strange green liquid. "That'd be lovely, but... maybe later. Remember, variety is the key. That'll be your first lesson, Skippy. There are things—" and he sank the needle on the child's arm, "— even funnier than death. Like me!"

—-

"Mamoru-kun!" Kotone recognized him as soon as they left the school, finding him standing on the sidewalk after several days of disappearance. Rin, who was with her, instinctively tensed in alert at how strange he looked now, though. Too pale, and wearing eccentric green and purple, and holding a strange makeshift device in a hand. It even looked, sort of, like one of those guns she had seen once or twice in TV, when she went over to their friends' houses and—

Then Mamoru blew Kotone's brains before her while laughing creepily. And everything else was forgotten.

—-

Saber fumed angrily, disgusted at the mere presence of the Caster at the feast. He had shown up from nowhere, and if not for the tenuous agreement that made everyone unwilling to attacking first, she'd have slain him where he sat, pouring himself wine with an incredibly conceited drink.

Saber had figured out Archer would have even more reasons to strike the despicable Servant down, being the one responsible for the wounded state of his Master's daughter, but it seemed that mattered next to nothing at all for the golden armored tyrant. Archer's sole objection was Caster had never been a king, to which he countered with smug but actually honest sounding claims of being repeatedly called the Clown Prince in life. Being no stranger to whimsical cruelty either, Gilgamesh seemed amused enough by the one he considered less than a gnat to allow him staying.

"Then, Caster," Rider asked, less hostile than Saber but still with the air of deep disgust about him, "Tell us, what is your purpose in this Holy Grail War?"

"Ah, see, Red, that's the thing," Caster mused, sheepishly scratching his long pointy chin with a gloved finger, "I have no purpose. Nothing ever has an actual purpose, when we look at it carefully enough. I'm... I guess you could say I'm just a dog who keeps chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do if I ever caught one. For me, what matters is the chase itself..."

"The mongrel sure knows his condition and place!" Gilgamesh approved with a haughty smile.

Caster smiled back. "Thank you, Goldie. I can call you Goldie, can't I?"

"No. No, you cannot."

"Meanie!"

—-

"Caster!" Saber was genuinely surprised at the arrival of a long thought dead presence at the site of her fight with Gilgamesh, making both kings to pause in their struggle for a moment. "Why are you here? You should be—!" And then she looked at Kiritsugu, a stern frown marring her perfect face.

"He should have died when I shot Ishida!" Emiya said. "And then I saw his body plummeting into the sea..."

"Pscht," Caster said. "That's so regular Tuesday for me. I only had to use one of my Noble Phantasms, _Joker Immunity_. Nasty useful thingy. We go together from a long time ago. After that, well, it was difficult pulling through without the kid, but hey, it's not like this city was short on souls to consume. So I think I've still got juice for a last trick. It's a killer...!"

"Well! Let us see it, then!" Archer laughed, blocking Saber as she tried to rush the other maniac before he could act. Kiritsugu was similarly distracted by Kirei's renewed attack. "Surely, the final act of a self-admitted mongrel will be as pathetic as the rest of his jests!"

"Well," Caster chuckled, and raised a hand, "There's only one way to know for sure, riiight?" And he cried, "I summon the ultimate Noble Phantasm! The greatest joke ever! _Power of Mxyzptlk!_"

The small blue glowing orb that appeared above Caster then had five dimensions: Length, height, width, and two other things neither Saber nor Gilgamesh could even begin to describe. Inside of it, there was what seemed to be a tiny imp or dwarf trapped and screaming in abject pain. The sight lasted only a moment before the orb's light bathed Caster, changing his colorful suit to garish royal clothes, with a heavy crown on his head.

"King of Knights! King of Heroes!" the Caster shouted. "Meet your Emperor! Handpicked and approved by the Grail itself! Together, we will usher on a new age of glorious chaos!" He spread his arms as if to hug everyone. "And my first decree is: Whoopie Cushions for everyone!"

_"GATE OF BABYLON!"_ Archer thundered, unleashing the might of his combined arsenal upon him.

With a yawn, Caster waved a hand, and the barrage of weapons turned back and converged on Archer himself, piercing him through every part of his body.

"I think all these things are yours, aren't they? For such a grabby guy, you sure are careless of where you leave your belongings. But never fear! Thanks to me, you'll never lose them again! You might say I'll make you one with them, even! HYA HA HA HA!"

Saber lunged at him, Excalibur at the ready, but with another wave of a hand, Caster altered reality again, instantly changing her into a plush lion which he kicked off into the distance. "I always liked Nero better!"

Kotomine Kirei stared at the reborn Servant with sudden, frozen fascination, as if on him he had just found the answer for what he had been looking for during his whole again. With a cruelly benevolent grin, Caster nodded at him, then grabbed his head and, not finding any resistance, snapped the man's neck. He died with a placid smile. "Ah. More people should be like him...!"

Emiya Kiritsugu began shooting at Caster, wildly, all cold reason and pre-set strategies long lost, just reacting on instinct and frustration. The bullets were having as much effect as mosquito bites.

Caster flinched. "Owch. You should have tried that before. It would have worked then. Then again, maybe I should have tried this before, too... But I had to wait until it was funny! You can't rush a punchline!"

He chortled as he grabbed Emiya effortlessly, growing to a giant's size. "There's nothing I hate most than grim crazy prepared avenging do-gooders with tragical pasts, you know. That's why I'll give you the worst punishment I can think of, " and he flicked Emiya's forehead with a finger, knocking him out. "I'll let you live in a world made at my image."

When Emiya Kiritsugu woke up, Caster was gone, and yet he was everywhere. On the grinning still bodies littering the streets. On the wrecked walls and buildings and trees, most of them branded with colorful iterations of 'JOKER WAS HERE!' and smiley faces. On the slashes of dripping red covering the darkened skies.

He ran, stumbling through the unending horrors, trying to somehow escape. He tried not to look at the dead, not even when he ran over the bloated body of he who he guessed had been Matou Zouken, quickly decaying and covered by squirming worms.

His steps, erratic as they were, led him to some place he had felt was fated to be his ending point. It was a destroyed house. Impaled on a pole and with a perfectly grotesque grin stretching his formerly soft features, there was a small boy with spiky red hair.

Collapsing on renouncing knees, Emiya Kiritsugu, for some reason, began laughing.

* * *

**Saber, Caster, Berserker, Lancer, Archer, Assassin, Rider.**

Tohsaka Rin stared in wide-eyed disbelief at the seven diminutive figures before her.

One of them finally rasped after a few moments of waiting. "I repeat," the tiny blue creature said, "Are you our Master?"

"Who... Who the hell are you..." Rin managed to blabber.

"Saber Smurf!" one of them lifted a minuscule sword.

"Caster Smurf!" another one gestured with a frail looking wand.

"SMURF! SMURF SMURF SMURF!" another one jumped in place, drooling uncontrollably.

"Archer Smurf!" another one smirked, holding a bow with an arrow (no bigger than a matchstick) on it.

"Lancer Smurf!" another one posed with a spear.

"Rider Smurf!" this one was riding on a squirrel.

"Assassin Smurf..." yet another one stood mysteriously in the shadows, wearing black instead of his companions' white.

Saber Smurf laughed. "Master, with this miracle, you already have smurfed this Grail War! You must be a very smurfing magus to have smurfed seven of us, from all seven classes, at once! Trust us, because we'll smurf the opposition easily, working together and smurfing—"

Rin kicked them over, stuffed them into a box, and handed them over to Ilya as a gift.

* * *

**Assassin**

Somehow, the Servant had gotten the drop on him. It was a Servant. It had to be one. An Assassin, most likely, Emiya Kiritsugu estimated as that arm as hard as steel closed around his neck, threatening to snap it at the slightest move after what he barely dared to call a fight; an encounter, in any case, that went too fast for him, and yet mercifully quick, in a way.

The Servant grinned as his face remained close, growling the words in Kiritsugu's ear.

"I know what special abilities you have. I can see the ways your powers have subtly shifted the inner structure of your body, all the better for it to accomodate them. I can detect the increased electrical activity in your brain. I know what moves you're preparing to make. I've fought our fight already, in my head, in a million different ways. I can hit you without you even seeing me. I'm what soldiers dream of growing into. I'm what children see when they first imagine what death is like. I may be called Assassin, but in truth, I'm The Midnighter."

Kiritsugu still moved a muscle, because he had to.

And then it was over.

* * *

**Savior.**

"What is the meaning of this?" asked Saber as their final opponent appeared before them. He was a man with short hair, wearing nothing but bright red shorts and a wide, perfect white smile. "This is intended to be in jest, is not it? Is this not what they call in this age a 'lifeguard'? And this is supposed to be a match for my blade?"

"Saber!" her Master gasped. "This... This is no mere lifeguard! This is..." she recognized the mighty figure before them, "The Hoff!"

Saber blinked. "The Hoff?"

The man smiled, pulled a microphone out of his shorts (so he hadn't just been happy of seeing them) and began singing, _"Jump in my car, I wanna take you home. Jump in my car, it's too far to walk on your own..."_

"Ahhhh!" Saber's Master covered her own ears and wailed. "That horrible sound! I feel like it's killing me!"

Twice explained. "Savior's singing inflicts devastating damage on any opponent who isn't completely tone deaf or German. On the other hand, when in Germany, all of his other stats go up in a 400%, but that's not here or now..."

Saber smiled. "Interesting! It would seem I finally have met a fair match for my vocal skills... But I shall not go down without a fight, Savior!"

The ensuing Hasselhoff/Nero duet ended up destroying the Moon Cell and traumatizing even Gilgamesh.

* * *

**Berserker**

Matou Sakura stared dubiously at the Servant standing before her. She didn't look too impressive. She was only a girl roughly around her own age, wearing a dark school uniform splattered with blood, and holding a katana in a hand and a huge knife in the other. The only things that were indicating of something truly abnormal, in Sakura's opinion (which probably said something about Sakura) were the insane absent look in her huge eyes and the severed head of a boy tucked under her right arm.

"Makoto-kun...!" Berserker chanted.

Shinji looked at her with mixed feelings. On one hand, the girl triggered his rape instincts to the max. On the other, well, perhaps she was a bit too creepy even for him.

"Makoto-kuuuuuun...!" Berserker desperately cried again.

He shrugged inwardly. Well, she had nice tits, and that was all that mattered...

—-

"Makoto-kuuuuun...!" Berserker wailed, with a boy's head under an arm and Shinji's under the other.

Shirou, stupidly fearless as she was, still felt the need to hide behind Saber. He bravely fought it back. "Saber! Don't hurt her too much! She's still just a misguided, suffering—!"

"Makotooooo-kuuuuuun...!" Berserker charged madly.

Saber punted her in the gut and sent her flying across the park. "... Hardly worth the use of a blade..."

Shirou shuddered before picking one of the heads Berserker had dropped. "Is this really... Shinji's...?"

After a moment of heavy silence, Saber, still on her guard, asked him, "Well?"

"Well, " Shirou echoed weakly, "I don't know, this is probably the most friendly he's ever been with me, so I'm not sure..."

—-

Saber and Shirou looked at Gilgamesh's feet, sticking out from under a yatch with **NICE BOAT** painted on a side.

"Out of all the Noble Phantasms I have ever seen, this has to be the strangest one—" Saber began.

"MAAAAA-KOTO-KUUUUUUUN...!-!-!" Berserker kept on crying as Dark Sakura patted her shoulder in a comforting manner.

"There, there, " she sweetly told her. "Why don't we go kill some random bullies off? I'm sure that'll make you feel better..."

Berserker sniffled and looked up at her from her kneeling position. "R-Really...?"

* * *

**Caster (x2)**

_Ilya is an average kid that no-one understands. No Mom, No Dad, and Grandpa is always giving her commands._

_The doom and gloom up in her room is broken instantly by her magic little fish who grant her every wish. 'Cause in reality..._

_They are her oddcasters. Fairly oddcasters._

_Wands and wings._

_Floaty Graily things._

_Oddcasters. Fairly oddcasters._

_Really mod, pea pod. Buff bod, hot rod (is this a H-scene?)_

_Shirou is obtuse, rubber goose, Sakura is loose, worm juice, the first snake, Lady of the Lake, batteries, chocolate shake._

_Oddcasters. Fairly oddcasters. It flips your lid when you are a kid with fairly oddcasters!_

* * *

**Berserker**.

"Berserker!" Ilya called loudly. "Come forth and kill them!"

"Beware, Shirou!" Saber shouted as she stood in front of her Master, readying her sword to face the figure stepping out of the shadows...

... which turned out being a tiny and cute bear in military fatigues and a beret, smiling in a wide and innocent fashion. It also had green fur.

"..." Saber said.

Shirou blinked. "Is this for real?" he asked, then tried to step out from behind Saber. "Wow, it's actually alive, not a toy, is it..."

"Shirou!" Saber yelled at him. "Don't get any closer! Remember what I told you about the rabbit! Don't be fooled by Berserker's appearance!"

"Oh, come on, Saber!" Shirou pointed at the bear. It barely reached up to his knees, and was waving cheerfully at them. "Even if he had a killing intent, what could he possibly do? He's so small and weak! Ilya-chan, you shouldn't challenge others with this kind of... Servant. You could get yourselves hurt! After all, this is a War!"

War. The word flipped the switch inside of Berserker's mind, making him freeze in the spot. His eyes gained a spaced, faraway look, and his mouth hung open.

Long repressed bloody memories of his battalion partners being cruelly murdered one after another in the jungle, during the hellish heat of war, flowed back into him.

And his face gained a demonic, perverse rictus of maniacal bloodlust. It was the most hideous expression Shirou had ever seen or would see.

With an abstract scream, Berserker jumped high, pulling a myriad of hidden weapons out of nowhere...

—-

She picked the phone up. "Hello? Fujimura here. Oh, it's you, Grandfather. Huh? Yes, I'm sitting, why?"

A horrified pause.

"You mean Shirou's been WHAT—?-!"

They only managed to find an arm, the nose, some toes, the heart and two ribs, actually.

* * *

**Lancer****- by Kay4today**

"You couldn't even scratch Emiya's Servant!" Shinji Matou hissed at the girl in front of him. Normally he would have shouted, but he didn't want to wake Sakura up. Not that he cared about her sleeping schedule, but she would have asked him if he was all right. And naturally he would have to hit her for that (hitting her always seemed like the right response), but currently his fists hurt like hell. Clearly punching a random wall in rage hadn't been one of his best ideas.

"Well, I _would_ have impaled that pathetic little ant if you weren't so _incompetent_." The green-haired girl sneered right back at him. She de-materialized her dark armor (with spikes, though Shinji wasn't sure what their purpose was) and wore that weird school uniform again. "How am I supposed to fight the others if you cannot provide me with prana?"

"You're a Servant, aren't you? Can't you just go eat souls or something?"

"I could, but I don't _want to_! I just want someone to supply me with prana, kill everyone, win the Grail and wish for eternal happiness with Shizuru! I _deserve_ it!" Lancer whined, which seemed like the only thing that she was actually good at. "I know that this stupid Sakura bitch does whatever you tell her to, so tell her she should provide me with prana!"

"But-"

"We won't win if I don't get a steady prana support."

Shinji gritted his teeth. "Then I'll just make you eat souls!" He smiled smugly, practically shoving his Book of the False Attendant into her face.

Lancer's smile was almost twice as smug. "My magic resistance is high enough to resist your pathetic spellbook, you worm. You should be glad that killing you would be bad for me too, if that wasn't the case you would be long dead." She scoffed. "Just why did I have to get this stupid bitch as a Master?" Oh great, she started whining again.

But at least that was something both could agree on. Their irrational contempt for Sakura Matou.

"Fine." Shinji spat. "Sakura's gonna provide you with prana, but I'm still gonna act as your Master."

"Fine by me." Lancer snarled. "I wouldn't be able to stand this bitch for too long. She reminds me of someone I used to know."

There was a short awkward silence. Shinji broke it.

"So... do you wanna-"

"No, for the last time: I will not sleep with you." Something in her eyes glinted. "... Though perhaps I could be persuaded if you were to acquire a pacifier and some rattles..."

"... That's fucked up."

And when Shinji considered something as fucked up, it really was.

* * *

**Rider- by Shadow Crystal Mage**

"Um, Nii-san..." Sakura said hesitantly, as she tried to ignore her worm-fueled lust. "Could you please not do that in the kitchen? I have to cook in here..."

"Shut up!" Shinji cried as he on the floor and 'his' Servant gave an alternate definition to the Rider Class. "Harder Rider! Harder!"

"Damn it, where's Nin-nin when I need advice?" the busty, purple-haired Rider cried.

He still died, though by that time he'd sort of forgotten there was a Grail War to begin with.

* * *

**Berserker****- by I Am Not Creative Enough**

Gilgamesh sneered as he looked at Berserker. "How boorish." He declared, upon seeing the veritable mountain of muscle that stood in front of him. "You are preventing me from continuing my fight with Saber, unthinking brute!"

"Berserker! Obliterate his ass!" Kariya yelled from the background.

"Spiky... blond hair... sticking up..." Berserker murmured, his black eyes seemingly unfocused. Then, all of a sudden, the world trembled as Berserker's face twisted into a delirious and menacing grin. "It's... it's you! **KAKAROT**!"

Gilgamesh's eyes widened as he saw a sphere of green energy appear in Berserker's right hand. "Hah! You think you can scare the King by acting like a monster!?" He said, eyes narrowing in cold and arrogant fury.

"Monster?" Berserker asked, suddenly calm again. "I am no monster." he added, taking a deep breath. "**I AM A DEMON!**"

Then he threw the sphere of green energy.

Fuyuki was no more.

* * *

**Caster- by Eva Unit 01**

As he dueled Berserker alongside a certain friendly neighborhood wall-crawler atop an office building, Archer mused, "I'd expected you, of all people, to understand that 'heroism' only brings suffering."

The web-slinger, in sheer incredulousness, took stopped moving for a moment to stare at the Servant in red. "The hell kind of logic is that? Saving lives means that you _saved their lives_, moron!"

Backflipping off of the wall and web-zipping across the Einzbern Castle entrance hall, he then smacked Archer across the back of his head. "Now get off your mopey, navel-gazing butt and gimme a hand over here!"

Saber had at last found an opponent with honor.

The little boy with red hair and giant gloves once more said, "You're a good person, so I'd rather we not have to fight."

Truly, such an innocent, kindhearted child. Such a person should not have been forced into fighting in the Grail War.

"I agree with your sentiments, but sooner or later, one of us must be vanquished. It is kinder to defeat you now, and spare you as much horror as I can."

The impossibly lifelike mechanical doll replied with a sad smile, before transforming one of his gloves into a fist as big as a truck, with a turtle motif.

"HULK SMASH PUNY BLUE MAN!"

Despite having had an arm torn off and sporting several injuries, Lancer's bloodthirsty grin lit up his face. "Never would've dreamed to fight as great an enemy as you! Now come on, let's finish this!"

With a last battle cry, the hound of Chulainn charged at the emerald giant before him.

Shirou said, "Saber, let's do this. The Grail must be destroyed."

She nodded, and readied her sword.

At that time, however, an old man came up the temple steps, surprising the duo. "Pleased to meet you two, Shirou, Saber. Figured I'd led a hand."

With a snap of his fingers, he unleashed his Noble Phantasm.

**"EXCELSIOR!"**

Suddenly, a group of various heroes had joined Saber, and as one, they unleashed their powers and weapons upon the black void.

One swung his hammer through the air and struck it with a powerful lightning bolt, screaming, "FOR MIDGAAAAAAAAAAARD!"

Another shouted, "FLAME ON!" and went all-out with a powerful blast of fire.

A third, armored figure, flew into the air and said, "Let's not keep the lady waiting, JARVIS, time for a Unibeam at full power!"

With that, the emblem on his chest glowed brightly, before unleashing a laser that could've torn through most buildings without effort.

At the same time, a man in blue spandex ripped the visor from his face and unleashed scarlet hell from his eyes.

Under the combined assualt of the four heroes, quickly joined by Saber's Excalibur, the Grail permanently ceased to exist.

As Caster faded away into light, he faced Shirou and Saber with a smile. "I wish you two the best of luck, young man and lady."

* * *

**Saber**-** by Doineedaname**

"The power of my Noble Phantasm will easily allow me to defeat you Lancer. Kyoka..." Saber said, his voice utterly confident as he began to recite the name of his Noble Phantasm.

Not intending to allow his opponent to activate his Noble Phantasm Lancer quickly charged forward , aiming his spears at Saber's heart.

Saber managed to move out of the way and avoid the longer of Diarmuid's spears, however he failed to avoid the second, shorter one.

"I've won this fight Saber. You were too slow." Diarmuid said as he impaled the other Servant through the chest.

"Damn you Lancer..." His victim said before the the brown haired, white robed, Servant faded away to reveal Kayneth in his place.

"What...?" Lancer said as he realized that he had somehow been tricked into killing his Master as he was no longer receiving the amount of prana he had been just seconds ago.

"Since when were you under the impression that you struck before I activated my Noble Phantasm?" Saber said from behind Lancer, his voice utterly smug. "This is the power of my Noble Phantasm, anyone who sees it's release is caught in my absolute hypnosis. Thank you for killing your Master Lancer, but I no longer have need of you."

"You bastard! Don't you have any pride!" Lancer yelled as he spun around hoping to kill Saber for his trickery in a fit of rage, only for him to disappear and his spear to pass through thin air.

"This war has no place for pride. Something my Master understands quite well." Saber said from behind Lancer before stabbing him through the back and heart. "Goodbye Lancer."

From his vantage point on the outskirts of the area Kiritsugu couldn't help but feel glad that he had gotten a Servant whose abilities could be used so well in tandem with his own. Saber's illusions would easily allow him to claim victory for the Einzbern.

* * *

**Caster- by Kay4today**

"Your end is near, Saber!" The petite girl shouted in triumph, her wand pointing at the blonde swordswoman. "With my next spell I shall annihilate you and then-" Caster was quickly silenced by a certain boy slamming into her.

"Ow." She whined. "What the hell...?" She looked at the half-conscious boy on top of her and shrieked. "W-What the hell?!"

"I apologize. I must have accidentally kicked him in your direction." Came her Master's bland voice, a boring teacher who couldn't even do any magic and had to resort to cheap... circus-like acts. She didn't know what those moves were, but they were definitely related to the circus.

Then suddenly Caster felt movement on her chest. It was that... _boy's head_ between her breasts! That was totally on purpose, too! She pushed him off her.

The enemy Master shook his head, still confused. "What just happened? And what was that flat surface I felt with my face?"

"You damn hentai-" Louise de La Vallière started as she pointed her wand at the red-headed boy... only to be impaled by a giant longsword. And an axe. And a spear. And another sword.

"_Damn_." Standing on a nearby pole Gilgamesh sweared, completely out-of-character. "I wanted to watch it until the end, but I just couldn't deal with it anymore."

Shirou Emiya pointed his finger at the golden Servant. "Y-You just killed her! How can you act so nonchalant about it? Say something, Saber."

"..."

"Saber?"

"It is strange." Saber mused thoughtfully. "For the first time I have met him... I do not feel like beheading Archer at all."

"... Eh?" Shirou blinked dumbly. "W-Wait a moment, you see nothing wrong with what he did either?"

Saber suddenly found the clouds to be very interesting.

"Saber!"

"Do not lose your guard, Shirou! There is still an enemy Master we need to deal with."

Shirou's eyes widened. She was right! Kuzuki-sensei... his eyes quickly darted in the man's direction.

But his teacher just stood there and stared at the whole scene with a disinterested look on his face.

"Hm, indeed." Gilgamesh said aloud. "I did not even notice that man until Saber mentioned him. His presence truly is forgettable."

"Hey, why are you still here?" Shirou asked the arrogant King.

Surprisingly Kuzuki-sensei spoke next. "This never happened."

Shirou blinked. "Excuse me?"

"It is strange. Until I met this girl I didn't care about living. But now... now that she is finally gone I feel... happy. Relieved." Kuzuki-sensei smiled a happy, happy and very uncharacteristic and creepy, smile.

"That's... great?"

"I do sense the stick in his rear becoming shorter and shorter." Gilgamesh noted.

"Why are you still here?"

* * *

**Berserker- by Eva Unit 01.**

As the King of Heroes strode toward the severely injured Saber, Gilgamesh arrogantly commanded, "Cease this pointless resistance, and accept your fate as my bride."

At that moment, Rin's Servant, Berserker, came on the scene and, with one look at Gilgamesh's less-than-noble expression, immediately deduced what was going.

"You shameless..."

The redheaded woman's death aura flared as the conditions for her always-active Noble Phantasm were triggered.

"Filthy..."

What began as a slow walk quickly became an all-out sprint as Berserker recklessly rushed towards Gilgamesh at high speed.

"**Disgusting...**"

Rearing back her fist, Berserker let out a mad roar.

"_**PERVERT!**_"

With that, Berserker slammed her fist into the golden Archer's face with so much force he rocketed through the atmosphere and vanished as if a shooting star.

The next day, the Hubble space telescope found him floating adrift among Jupiter's moons, totally unharmed and very very pissed off, but unable to do much of anything about it.

* * *

**Berserker****- by Shadow Crystal Mage.**

As the King of Heroes strode toward the severely injured Saber, Gilgamesh arrogantly commanded, "Cease this pointless resistance, and accept your fate as my bride."

At that moment, Rin's Servant, Berserker, came on the scene and, with one look at Gilgamesh's less-than-noble expression, immediately deduced completely the wrong thing and made a wild accusation.

"Gilgamesh..."

The redheaded woman's death aura flared as the conditions for her always-active Noble Phantasm were triggered.

"No..."

What began as a slow walk quickly became an all-out sprint as Berserker recklessly rushed towards Gilgamesh at high back her fist, Berserker let out a mad roar as a mallet suddenly appeared in her hands.

"BAKA!"

With that, Berserker slammed her Noble Phantasm into the golden Archer's face with so much force he rocketed through the atmosphere and vanished as if a shooting star.

The next day, the Hubble space telescope found him floating adrift among Jupiter's moons, totally unharmed and very very pissed off, but unable to do much of anything about it.

(OM's Note: I think this is supposed to be Ranma, although the mallet is more of Akane's thing…)

* * *

**Berserker****- by I Am Not Creative Enough.**

As the King of Heroes strode toward the severely injured Saber, Gilgamesh arrogantly commanded, "Cease this pointless resistance, and accept your fate as my bride."

At that moment, Rin's Servant, Berserker, came on the scene and, with one look at Gilgamesh's less-than-noble expression, immediately deduced completely the wrong thing and made a wild accusation.

"I hate ecchi people." The only proper servant involved announced, voice almost monotone, yet carrying with it an undercurrent of sheer fury and hatred that made even Saber shiver in fear.

Gilgamesh squeed when her hair rose into the air of its own volition and weapons started to form from it.

* * *

**Assassin- by I Am Not Creative Enough.**

Medea blinked. There was a long and drawn out silence after a cacophony of magical noise. "What kind of professional assassin wears pink?" She finally blurted out, looking at what had been summoned.

"Only the best ones." The moustachio'd man said, offering her a condescending smirk. "And I suppose then that you are my master?"

Caster was skeptical... but if this guy helped her win the Grail War, then she didn't care what he dressed like.

_Later in the war..._

Shirou recklessly charged Assassin, after seeing the pink wearing Asian man utterly destroy his Servant in a melee confrontation, but before he could even make a swing with the shinai he'd projected, Assassin had moved so fast it seemed as if he had teleported to Shirou's side. Faster than anyone had any right to, the man quickly jerked his upper torso and head forward.

There was no hesitation when the assassin poked Shirou's head with his tongue. Specifically, it was two inches to the right of the left eyesocket.

Shirou was dead in an instant, and Assassin turned to face Archer and Rin, his hands still behind his back. "Who will be the next to face me and die?"

* * *

**Rider****- by Handsome Rob.**

"Congratulations. You are far less of a Mongrel than most of the worms I've been forced to deal with." By Gilgamesh's count, this one was 0.99% higher on the scale than most. That meant he was **almost** one percent less of a mongrel than everyone else.

For the King of Heroes, that was quite the compliment.

As for Rider, a man in his mid 40's to early 50's, or maybe older. He stared down Ancient King, unyielding, and unafraid.

"Gilgamesh. You call yourself a king, but what ruling have you done? I'm grossely disappointed." The Epic of Gilgamesh had once saved his life. But if this was the man it was based on, then everything that he'd believed in was a lie. Had Darmok died for nothing?

...No. He would not allow it.

"I rule because I am the only one fit to rule over mongrels such as yourself. That is the only answer one such as you deserves."

"The only one fit...THE ONLY ONE FIT?! **WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT?! I HAVE KNOWN ONLY ONE OTHER MAN IN MY LIFE THAT CAME CLOSE TO MATCHING YOUR ARROGANCE, AND HE MANAGED TO HAVE FAR MORE HUMANITY THAN YOU EVEN AT HIS ABSOLUTE WORST!** He'd never imagined a day where Q would seem to be the lesser evil, but the universe was truly vast. "If one such as you is the only one fit to rule, then I pity those who are ruled!"

"That is enough out of you!" Gate of Babylon opened behind Gilgamesh as numerous Noble Phantasms began to poke their heads out, ready to pierce and slash Rider's body to pieces. Still the bald headed servant garbed in a strange red uniform did not back down, nor show fear, facing the king of heroes with stoic and defiant stare that set Gilgamesh's teeth on edge. Didn't this fool understand his place?

"You have five seconds to enjoy what is left of your life." The Golden secant hissed.

"I do not require one Gilgamesh!" He tapped the strange triangle shaped badge on his chest. "Enterprise! One to beam up!

Gilgamesh watched as the annoying mongrel disappeared in a sparkle of lights that kind looked like glitter being swirled in a glass of water.

"WHAT?!" The King was baffled by the sudden disappearance of his opponent...

"Oh." He looked up towards the sky, even though there was nothing there...at least not to anyone with normal eyes. "Is that where you were hiding?" The other weapons of Gate of Babylon receded, but a new one came out in their place. The umistakable spiral sword.

~0~

"Captain!" The strange pale skinned man who was not a man spoke. "Sensor indicate that they is a large build up of energy on the planet. It's nothing that we can identify though." Never before had the Enterprise encountered such a energy pattern as this, and never had such power come from single individual.

"I'm not surprised Mr. Data." Since being called for this war, he'd seen things that mocked everything he thought he knew about the universe. "Mr Worf!"

"Yes Captain!"

"Can you ensure minimal damage to the surrounding area when we begin our assault?"

"indeed Captain. I can not explain it, but the accuracy of our weapons is greater than ever! It must be these...class skills granted to you."

"We will ponder the mechanics of the grail and it's war later Mr. Worf." On the main screen Gilgamesh grinned (the only way he knew how) arrogantly as he charged EA with all the power that could be mustered. Rider pointed forwards.

"Fire main phasers, and all Photon Torpedoes!

It was time for the King to be dethroned.

* * *

**Caster****- by Rikalous**

The swordsman in red and the swordswoman clashed blades, leapt back, and were about to clash again when they were interrupted by the metallic figures grabbing at the swordfighters and throwing themselves into the way of the swords. The Servants' protests only made them cry out "We cannot, through inaction, allow human beings to come to harm!"

"Drop your weapons!" demanded the elderly, bespectacled man who had arrived with them. "We have no time for your petty duels. Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent, and there are more important matters than this little war. My computations have determined that humanity will one day be rejected by the very Earth and driven to extinction. I know a way to avert this, but we have to start work as soon as possible."

Sadly, psychohistory has trouble accounting for truly exceptional individuals. Humanity was wiped out within a week. These things happen.

* * *

**Magical Girl- by Rikalous**

Saber knew better than to let her guard down just because the smiling, red-haired figure waiting at the mountain gate was a girl younger than the King of Knights looked. That let her block the two-by-four that appeared when the girl shouted "Magical Destroy Swing!" Completely baffled by such an odd Noble Phantasm, she jumped back to regroup as the girl invoked the enormous blade called Magical Pudding Knife. You see, Saber knew nothing of the Magical Girl class, where paired children were summoned rather than the more traditional ancient warriors. If she had, she wouldn't have been so surprised by the blow to her back and the voice growling "None but my demon cannon girl can fly higher than me."

Caster's new Servants were undeniably powerful, to defeat a Saber, and they were hardly the first children she'd seen be stained by battle. It didn't make their sheer cheerfulness about violence any less creepy.

(OM's Note: I had no idea who were these Servants, but Rikalous says they come from a manganime titled _The Lucifer and Biscuit Hammer__)._

* * *

**Caster****- by I Am Not Creative Enough.**

Saber panted as she laid down Excalibur, which still glowed with the tremendous discharge of power that she had just used to finally, _finally_ put an end to Caster.

He was a remarkably tough cockroach, always somehow managing to slip away before he could be put down for real, but now, now she'd finally won the goddamn Grail War. She'd had to use Excalibur perhaps a few too many times, but it was all so she could finally put Caster to rest and out of her mind. She was finally done!

Now all she had to do was reach for the grail, grasp it in her hands and make her wish become a reality! She'd shown all those idiots! She'd kicked their asses and shown them not to mess with the King of Knights, and after all of her effort and suffering, everything would pay off!

The grail took the form of Irisviel wearing a see-through white robe (not that Saber was looking at her body, no sir), smiling saintly and holding the exhausted King in her arms. "It's been a tough journey, Saber... but it's finally over. You can finally rest. Stay with me for a while... You can always trust me, after all, I'm never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down..."

Then the illusion broke and she found herself, lying on the ground, broken, bruised and beaten. Her eyes were beginning to blur as pain overtook her senses, but the words in the sky were as clear as clear could be. They read the following:

"You've been Rick Rolled!"

* * *

**Caster****- by Eva Unit 01**

The Matou family observed the Servant that had appeared before them. She was wearing only green short shorts and a white sleeveless tee shirt, and had white bony protrusions sticking out of her long pink hair, which matched with her equally pink eyes.

Bubbly as could be, she declared, "Nyu!"

Shinji drawled, "Good _god_, Sakura, did you summon some kind of _retard_?"

Caster, uncomprehending the question, happily raised her hand and yelled, "YES!"

Irritated by the - to anyone with a soul - adorable young lady, Shinji slapped her. "You're _my_ Servant now, speak only when spoken to!"

As he prepared to activate the Book of False Attendant, Caster slowly began to rise up. However, where her face had been freely exposed for all to see, her hairstyle had now changed, almost entirely hiding her face in shadow.

The stark contrast made her sole visible eye glow with a venom Sakura had never seen before, and the faint light lent Caster's smile a terrifying glint of madness.

As Caster got to her feet, Shinji's arms suddenly flew off in a spray of blood, before he was slammed into the floor.

"Tell me, " Caster began, "do you get off on abusing others? Does it make you feel like something other than a pathetic worm? Does it make you feel like a man?"

Without waiting for a response, Caster made Shinji's head explode with a wave of her hand.

Then, she pointed at Sakura's chest, and clenched her fist. As she did so, Zouken screamed out in agony as the composite worms in his body began to rapidly shrivel up and die.

Sakura fell back and tried to scramble away in horror, as Caster imperiously stood over her without expression. Before she could speak, however, Caster screamed and clutched her head in pain, before reverting to her bubbly, innocent personality.

_Two weeks later_

It was, to Sakura, sickeningly easy. Her Servant could strike without warning from across the city, without regard for physical obstructions, and all it took was to slightly tweak an artery in her opponent's brain.

Caster had killed every Servant and every enemy Master she encountered, except for one. And then Caster killed the Church Overseer, the only creature in Fuyuki a fouler monster than she was.

That one alone, she allowed to live, because of the way her own Master looked at him.

It was a look Caster had recognized all too well, and because of that look, she allowed Shirou Emiya to live, even as he battled and hated her for murdering Saber, Rin, and Ilya.

And as horrified as Sakura had become, to see her estranged sister casually murdered alongside so many others, a part of her - a part Sakura tried very hard to ignore, but was bigger than she liked - was glad.

Senpai was hers, after all, and with Caster fading away from the War's end, she had no remaining competition for his heart.

* * *

**Rider****- by Handsome Rob**

"**WILL! KNIIIIIFE!**" Rider yelled so loud, he would have deafened lesser men. Saber was surprised when she was pushed back despite her use of prana burst.

"I-I'm impressed Rider." The King of Knights was sincere in her praise. " You certainly possess great skill and power."

"That's because Victory always goes to the most Courageous, Saber!" Rider continued to push her, the strange emerald on his wrist glowing brighter with every passing moment. "My power has always come from my Courage, and my courage has given me the power to overcome any obstacle no matter how bleak things have gotten!"

Despite knowing she was losing ground, Saber's pride a knight would not allow her to give up. This man was battling her with all his heart, and with a honest and nobility that she had only seen from one other warrior before. It would be good to have a battle with a fellow knight.

"Saber!" Rider suddenly broke off his assault, leaping back onto a building. " You've fought well... but you are missing something." Saber was startled by Rider's suddenly declaration. "No... it's more like you are bound by something. A truth you can't face." Rider could tell that there was something weighing on her. He could see it in her eyes.

"I don't know what it is, or what effect it's had on you but... **IF YOU CAN'T FACE IT, THEN YOU'LL NEVER MATCH MY COURAGE! GAAAAALLLEEEEOOOOOOOONNNNNNN!**"

And then, Saber could only watch awe-struck as a gigantic mechanical lion appeared above Rider.

"Fusion!" She could only stare in disbelief as Rider backflipped into the stone in the lion's head. then suddenly, it's form began to change, until it had changed into a bipedal robot. "**GAIGAR!**"

"I-Incredible!" Saber was dumbfounded. What had she just seen?

"This is just the beginning of my courage Saber? Can you match this?! **GAO MACHINES!**"

_What is he doing now?_ Saber thought as more machines began to appear. Soon the bipedal robot had become some kind of juggernaut made up of multiple machines. "**GAAAAOOOOOOGAAAAAAIIIIIIIGAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!- !**"

Saber stared at the creature before her. A mechanical Chimera. Will wonders never cease?

"...however Rider..." She released Invisible Air, revealing the true form of Excalibur, with glow with holy light. "Perhaps I cannot match your courage, but I still have my pride. I will not fall here!"

"**VERY WELL SABER! LET'S GO!**" Gaogaigar charged, and Saber raised Excalibur to challenge it as the two proud and courageous lions roared.

* * *

**Rider- by Kay4today**

"This should be a good spot." The grey-haired girl observed the nearby terrain with the binoculars she had just acquired earlier.

Or rather, she had told her Master to acquire them.

"Good spot for what? You haven't told me what's going on." Said Master complained now, causing Rider to roll her eyes. Waver Velvet, a magus from England. She might have had tolerated his complaining if his voice hadn't been so whiny and annoying.

"Shut up. If we were being watched, it would be unwise of me to tell you." In truth she was very sure that no one was watching them, but she wanted to enjoy seeing her Master's awe when she summoned her vehicle. Telling him before would ruin the surprise!

"D-Don't tell me to shut up! I'm your Master!"

Rider turned her face to him. "So what? I'm much stronger than you and more capable in every possible way, so it's logical that I'm in command here. And one has to discipline her subordinates, don't you agree?"

"Y-You...!" Waver looked at his Command Seals.

Rider snorted. "You shouldn't think of using them for petty reasons like that. We should save them for emergencies. Don't worry, Master. Just let me handle things and I will win the Grail for you." She smiled smugly, as if she had already won the War on the first day.

Before Waver could retort something, Rider quickly turned her head and began looking into her binoculars again.

"Ah, it seems there already are two other Servants fighting. A blonde girl and a dark-haired man. I don't see her weapon, but he has two spears." She snickered. "This will be easy."

"Behold, Master!" Servant Rider snapped her fingers.

An ear-piercing explosion erupted and Waver was thrown back by the force. He sat up in daze and looked at the... wait, was that a... tank?

"Let's give them hell with my beloved Tiger!" Rider shouted pompously, then grabbed Waver's collar, jumped on the tank and threw her half-conscious Master inside. She dramatically pointed her finger at the two fighers below.

"**PANZER VOR**!"

* * *

**Berseker- by Psyga 315.**

"... This is _not_ the Berserker I asked for..." Zouken said as the servant stood before him and Kariya. Instead of the infamous Black Knight, they instead got a 40-year old man in a gray suit with a simple and clean hair cut and a mustache that's as wide as his nose.

"Where am I? Is this another one of Fegelein's antics?" Berserker asked.

"No. No. You're supposed to confirm who your Master is." Zouken said.

"Master? No one is my Master! I'm my own damn Master! No one tells _me_ what to do! Now bring me Fegelein!" Berserker said. Zouken groaned.

"Get him to turn on Mad Enhancement. He'll have to do for now." Zouken said as Kariya did just that... However, as he turned it on, Berserker still talked normally, but more louder and with only one word.

"_**FEGELEIN!**_** FEGELEIN! FEGELEIN!**"

* * *

**Archer- by Psyga 315**

"How's this possible?" Tokiomi said as he noticed the Servant he summoned wasn't the legendary hero Gilgamesh. He _was_ blonde, but he looked more like a teenager or even a young adult than an actual respectable king.

"How's it going?" The Servant asked him.

"… Not good. Are you even an Archer?" Tokiomi said, looking around for any bows or any sort of archery weapon.

"Uh… I don't think so… I'm not even sure what the hell are you talking about. I don't even care." Stephano said. He then looked across the room and noticed a small statuette of a thinking man. "STEPHANO!" Archer said as he walked to the statuette and picked it up.

"I am Stephano, I know everything." He said in a rough voice, moving around the statuette as if it was talking to him.

"Do you know where I am?" Archer asked.

"I do not know… But do not trust that man!" He jiggled around the statuette as he turned to Tokiomi.

"Why? He seems like a trustworthy guy. He's all finely dressed and everything." Archer said to 'Stephano'. Tokiomi walked up to him and took the statue from him.

"We're going into a war. This isn't the time for fun and games." He said, glaring at Archer.

"War? Ah, man, I can do war. What's the worst that can happen?" Archer asked.

"**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!**" Archer screamed as he was being chased by a roaring black fog with a red light as it just took control of a fighter jet, firing missiles at Archer.

"WHY DID YOU GIVE SAKURA TO ZOUKEN?" The fog's Master, Kariya, asked Tokiomi.

"WHAT? SPEAK A LITTLE LOUDER! MY SERVANT IS MAKING MY EARS BLEED!" Tokiomi said.

"IS THIS HIS NOBLE PHANTASM? BEING ANNOYINGLY LOUD?" Kariya asked.

"NO! AT LEAST I DON'T THINK SO!" Tokiomi said.

"**AAAAAAAAAAAH!**" Archer kept on screaming. This chase would last the entire fight with Servant Caster.

"What the hell is he doing?" Kirei asked Tokiomi as he saw Archer dancing around waving a cooked pig up and down.

"That's what he usually does when he's not fighting Servants… I wanted Gilgamesh, but noooooooooooo, the Grail spat out someone else instead." Tokiomi said.

"So… Uh… Why did you call me here again?" Archer asked a big burly man with red hair and a beard wearing Greek armor.

"The War is nearing its climax. Only four Servants remain, and I assume Servant Saber is taking on Berserker as we speak." The man said.

"Oooooh, scary fog guy… Yeah, she's boned." Archer said.

"In that case, only one of us will have the honour of facing the final Servant. May the best Servant win." The man said. Soon, wind blew as the world around them turned into a massive desert. He was soon facing Rider and his army of the thousands. If this Archer was the one Tokiomi intended, he would have stood a chance.

Sadly, the career of Servant Archer was cut short in one swift charge.

* * *

**Saber- by Rikalous**

Rin knew that Servants didn't always dress like you'd expect from an ancient hero, but seeing one dressed in what looked like a school uniform was still bizarre. The fact that Servant Saber carried a gun at his hip was pretty weird as well, but having summoned a sword-wielding Archer she didn't have much room to talk.

The enemy Servant didn't try to block or dodge Archer's first attack, silently accepting the blows. Then, as his wounds knit together slightly, he drew his gun and with a twirling flourish, shot himself in the head as he cried out, "Satan!"

Rin and Archer stared in utter bafflement as Saber inexplicably failed to die. What looked like shards of glass exploded from the side of his head instead of blood and brains, and above him rose a Thing. There was really no better term to describe it. It looked like an enormous, black-carapaced humanoid with the lower body of a snake, a pair of thick, bony tentacles, six grasping arms, six beetle-like wings, and for some horrible reason, a triple column of exposed breasts. Rin was beginning to suspect that entering the war had not been her best decision.

As for Archer, he had just long enough to think _Oh no, not agai-_ before the blow hit him.

(OM's Note: Aaaand this seems to be one Minato Arisato from _Persona 3_, going from what Eva Unit 01 told me, but I honestly know nothing on the character myself).

* * *

**Temptress- by Handsome Rob.**

"**SOUL FIST!**"

Rider was sent flying back through a few trees as the attack struck her right in the stomach, knocking the wind clean out of her lungs.

_'This woman...' _Temptress was most likely one of the oddest classes the Holy Grail war had ever turned out. Long green hair (though not as long as Riders), a full body suit with a plunging neck like that showed off her ample bust, and a heart shaped cut-out just under her breasts that showed off her stomach. A pair of wings on her back (and smaller ones on her head) that clearly revealed she was not human. Temptress was a blood drinker and life sucker whose actions seemed to be done less out of maliciousness or stupidity, and more out of a desire to simply have a good time.

"Is it over already? I was just beginning to enjoy myself!" Hearing the woman's smug voice set Rider's teeth on edge, but she quickly calmed herself.

"If you want I can give you a free shoOOOOOOGHHHHH!" Rider shot out from the pile of trees and rocks she'd be buried under, driving a fist right into Temptress' stomach. Now it was the Succubus' turn to fly(without the aid of her wings at that) as she was sent hurtling back, crashing to the ground and leaving a large crater.

"No need for that. You should focus on surviving instead of having fun. This is a fight to the death after all." Rider responded with an even tone.

Temptress pulled herself out of the hole , covered in dirt and grime, but no less annoyed. She gave a soft smile...

Then rocketed toward Rider...literally. Her wings actually transformed into a rocket pack, and she sped towards Rider at ridiculous speeds. The purple haired servant was able to avoid the attack, but only barely.

"SHADOW BLADE!" Rider was able to counter the next attack: Temptress changed her wings back to normal, and then turned one of them into a blade and did an uppercut. Rider used her nails to counter, but the force sent her flying into the air. Fortunately, she was able to regain her sense, righting herself in mid air; she then threw a chain at one of the near by trees and pulled herself out of the way of another attack (Temptress had wrapped her wings around her legs like a drill and tried to kick her).

Seconds later, the two were engaged in battle once again; Rider leapt off the trees like a bullet, meeting Temptresses charges with her Rocket wings, and the two clashed again and again.

_'Despite all my preparations, all I've been able to do is equalize us.' _The Servant thought grimly. Rider had done everything she could to push this battle in her favour: Setting it up in the Einzbern forest where the numerous trees would give her spots to leap off of and meet Temptress in the air; setting up Blood Fort Andromeda in the Forest to seal the woman off (and suck up the blood of any creatures within, mostly animals but the occasional human as well even if Sakura would not be happy about it) and finally removing Breaker Gorgon in order to make full use of her mystic eyes of petrification.

All these actions seemed to only slow temptress down to the point where she and Rider was maybe on equal level and that discounted the fact that the latter might still be holding back in order to enjoy the fight.

"Bored now." Rider was brought out of her thoughts as the Green haired woman's voice echoed in her ear.

_When did she get behind me?!_ Suddenly, Rider found herself wrapped up in Temptress' arms and numerous...Tentacles (where did those come from), crushing their bodies (especially their large chests) together as Temptress rocketed them into the sky and began rocketing back towards the earth, spinning like a top.

"This is the end dear. It's been fun...oh." That was the only reaction the Succubus gave as Rider used the chains that bound her nails together to tie up Temptress in turn. Not only that, she'd cut her own neck with one of the nails just before before being tied up. A summoning circle appeared behind them.

"If things are going to end, lets make it a spectacular one... **BELLEROPHON!**

Temptress did not know what was pushing them down, but both women were engulfed in a bright light which, combined with the speed of her Vector Drain attack sent them both crashing to the ground like a fireball. The explosion their landing created put an even larger crater in the ground, scattered dust for miles, and scared the shit of out anyone or anything dumb enough to be nearby.

"Urggg!" Within the cloud of dust and dirt, the sound of two people straining and groaning could be heard. When things became visible again, Rider and Temptress were revealed, hands clasped in a test of strength, digging heels into the ground as the earth under them had trenches dug into it, both women bringing ridiculous amounts of strength to bear, but still failing to move the other back even a tiny bit. They were face to face, eye to eye, and...docking (this had happened multiple times. Rider was sure her opponent was doing it on purpose). It was rare for Rider to not have to look down at someone, but Temptress was a match for her in height as well as strength.

"I willl say this much Temptress, " Rider said through gritted teeth, "For an abnormal servant, you are powerful."

"Why thank you dear. You're not bad yourself." Temptress responded. She was still smiling, but there was definitely hints of stress in her voice. "This servant thing is fun. I'm actually having to **try** for a change. I'm glad I let myself be summoned instead of coming here normally. This is much more interesting!"

Rider decided not to put too much thought into how strong this woman would be if she wasn't bound by the Fuyuki Grail wars restrictions (and she might still be holding back). She was already using far more of her Monsterous strength than she ever had before without starting to change.

"After we are done here, " Temptress continued, "How about..." She whispered something in Rider's ear that made the other actually blush.

"I have told you before This is a Duel to the Death, not a date." Rider said bluntly.

"It's all the same to me." Temptress responded. "In fact, lets make it a dinner date." And then, she sunk her teeth into Rider's neck.

"Uuuuuhhhh!" Rider moaned, and not in the way she expected either. Not coincidentally, Temptress had wrapped her arms around Rider in a crushing grip, to prevent escape. Unable to break free, Rider opted to fight fire with fire, Wrapping her own arms around Temptress and Bear hugging her right back, while sinking her own fangs into the Succubus' neck. Temptress somehow managed to moan despite her mouth being full.

"AAAAAHH!" Well let it not be said that the future queen of Makai didn't enjoy a little delicious irony. This was definitely a first for her. _'It's going to be a shame to kill this one. But it will be fun taming her!' _The two women continued their blood sucking duel.

~O~

"Whoa." That was all anyone watching the battle (from the safety of the Einzbern castle) could say. Temptress' physcial might and more irregular abilities (men pretty much lost their heads at the sight of her, and even some women weren't immune) made it impossible for any but Rider a chance in a one on one fight, with the nigh unlimited Prana Sakura provided her. Numerous familiars had been employed to allow them to observe from a distance (numerous because the intensity of the fight meant they had to send out a new one to replace the ones that got destroyed).

"This is awesome." Shirou mumbled. Rin slapped him upside the head, but her didn't seem to notice.

"Shut it." Rin said, while secretly agreeing. She'd been unaware she was into girls.

"Sempai...Nee-san..." Sakura was a little perturbed by their fascination with the battle (thought even she could hardly talk).

They watched as the two women broke off from their blood sucking, Rider again cutting her own neck to invoke Bellerophon, while Temptress created, of all things, a large cannon made of the bats that occasionally surrounded her.

~O~

**"BEEEELLLLLLLEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOPPPPPPPPHOOOOONNNNN - N!"**

**"SOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLL EEEEERRRRRAAAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!"**

Needless to say, the clash between the two attacks was nothing less than titanic.

* * *

**Ruler- by Handsome Rob.**

The Einzbern Forest had just born witness to a titanic struggle between orthodox Class Rider, and the very unorthodox Class of Temptress.

The Two servants last clash had sent up a large mushroom cloud at the sight of the explosion, and it was currently impossible for anyone to see anything within. Only the combined force of the Forests numerous defenses and the inescapable Blood Fort Andromeda had ensured that the existence of the Grail War was not revealed to anyone who had eyes.

Temptress was catching her breath. It was a new experience for her; she honestly couldn't remember the last time she'd been tired. Then again, she'd purposely given up a lot of her full power in order to be available to summon, and Rider had done a good job of weakening her further. She honestly wasn't sure if she could win... and that was the best part. a story is much more fun when you don't know the ending after all, and after being alive for so long, she'd been anxious to try something new.

It also helped that Rider was pretty damned hot as well.

She was currently completely naked; the bats that had made up her clothes not being hardy enough to survive the explosion. Her main wings were also gone, leaving her with only her head wings. She was gasping for air, bruised, sweaty and dirty.

"I really like this one. If I survive this, I'll definitely keep her, and maybe that master of hers as well. The shy ones are always interesting." Mere moments after hearing those words, she managed to make out some movement in the smoke. Then she heard the snap of a twig. It was coming, and fast.

_'Whoops! Guess I hit a nerve on that one!' _She forgotten how protective Medusa(A real Medusa! She'd been sure those didn't exist anymore!) was of her Master. The other woman was launching a new assault before she could fully recover. _'Oh well.' _Temptress didn't need to be able to see the other woman to tell where she was coming from, gleefully leaping forward to meet her head on. Time for some more Foreplay.

She threw a fist right at the spot where she knew Rider was, and in return saw a Rider's fist coming straight towards her in all the dust and smoke. Their fists flew right by each other and buried themselves in the face of their opponent.

The force of the blows were like a sonic boom that broke through the massive dust cloud, scattering it, and revealing the two women to each other fully. Rider apparently shopped from the same store of _poor explosion protection_ as Temptress, because she was just as naked as the Succubus, but knowing the other woman had plans for Sakura made her just as uncaring. They stood there for a few seconds, fists smashed into faces, feet digging more trenches into the ground since neither had moved an inch when the blows struck...

Then both pulled their fists away, backed up a few inches, and then charged again, extending one arm.

Double Clothesline. Both Servants were sent right off their feet, landing flat on their backs, and groaning. Still that didn't stop them. In perfect synch, they flipped back on their feet, turned around, and with more strength then you would expect considering how tired they should have been starting trading punches at such ridiculous speed you'd think they were afraid it would go out of style at any moment.

This went on for a few minutes, and while they fought something strange happened... Water. The forest seemed to be filling with water. It wasn't raining. It was more like it was being poured into the area. Rider and Temptress were too tired and focused on each other to notice, continuing their battle.

It seemed they finally noticed when Rider actually slipped while throwing a punch, causing her to fall flat on her face. The ground around their feet had been soaked to the point it was now slippery mud.

"HA HA HA HA!" Temptress couldn't help but laugh. "You really need to watch where your footing dear!" Rider responded by tripping the laughing woman with a sweep kick, sending her face first into the mud. Temptress sat there for a moment, letting things sink in. "Let me guess: now we Mud wrestle right? Sounds a little kinky..." Rider tackled her before she could finish, but the Succubus didn't complain. This just got better and better.

Meanwhile the water level continued to rise, as the two women fought on, getting covered in more and more mud, until they were caked in it from head to toe. They ended up Entwining Fingers in another mercy fight, despite the difficulty of gaining proper footing or a good grip considering how slippery everything was with all the mud. Their arms, which had been over their heads went out to the sides, and their bodies slid closer together until they were, once again(and to Temptress's great joy and Rider's slight annoyance) pressing against each other. Especially impressive **assets.**

"As much as I'm... urrgh! enjoying this, I have to ask where all this mud came from?" Temptress said as she stared down Rider, trying to push the latter back. "That's...I admit... that is a good question." Rider responded. She knew she should be focused on the fight, but it was a good question. There was no rain, and she didn't think they were near a stream of any sort.

"That would be my doing ladies."

The new voice cut through the air, intreupting the ultimate battle of ultimate sexiness, and causing both women to turn their heads(while still grappling) at the new arrival.

A blonde haired man wearing golden mail shirt and Green pants, with an ''A'' shaped buckle along the waist. In his left hand, he held a golden Trident.

"A good battle, and while I regret not allowing you two to finish, I feel you've weakened each other enough for me to make my move.'' As entertaining as their naked wenchery had been, it was time to put an end to this.

"You're joking right?" Temptress couldn't take this man seriously. "You're just a fish man." He was different from the Curiously attractive one she knew in her world, but she'd never been impressed with Fish-men before.

"Do you really believe you can fight against both of us even weakened as we are?" Rider asked in all honesty. "What will you intend to do? Ask your fish friends to assist you?"

The Golden haired man simply smiled. "As a matter of fact..." And then he slammed his Trident into the ground. Suddenly a huge wave appeared from nowhere, almost like it heard the call of its Master. The two women could only stare in bewilderment before it engulfed them both, forcefully separating them.

"Oh, I neglected to mention: my class is Ruler." He had no problem speaking despite all the water. An obvious advantage of being a ''Fish-man" He then moved to the side so that the Shark he summoned could have it's dinner.

~O~

A minute later, it was done. Rider and Temptress were worse for wear, but still not beaten.

"You'll need more than that Fish-man." Temptress said. "Though after I'm done with this one, I'll be sure to look you up." That little trick of his had potential(very naughty potential: Succubus remember?).

"You should be proud. I've decided you are a great threat to me and my master." Rider knew fighting two opponents at once(one of whom was completely fresh) would not be easy, but while this man's attack had been damaging, she'd just spent a good amount of time tanking much worse.

"No, I still have something else." Rider and Temptress noticed a shadow above their heads. " I want to thank you for staying so close together..."

The two female servants looked up...

"And forgive me for not being noble enough to not cheat."

...and promptly got a whale dropped on their heads.

Ruler nodded approvingly. A good king takes full stock of the situation and ends things quickly. It was time to move on.

(OM's Notes: Handsome Rob asked me to make clear the only reason why Morrigan has vampire-like fangs in these snippets is because he had assumed she'd have them when he started writing this, but I don't see what's the big deal about it. Anime girls sprout fangs all the time, seemingly at random, anyway!)

* * *

**NEXT:** Negi Springfield? The Ice King? Kraven the Hunter? Moby Dick? Konoe Tota? Excel Excel? Spawn? The Teen Titans? We'll see.


End file.
